i carry your heart.

Psychological Triggers in Romantic Obsession

2011-12-03T17:30:00.001-08:00

Psychological Triggers Affecting Romantic Obsession

Beverley Fredborg

Which main psychological trigger can cause a person to become romantically obsessed with another? In modern North-American society, romantic love is often portrayed by the media as the one goal we, collectively, must attain in order to live a fulfilling life. From the all-consuming romance displayed by the characters Edward and Bella in the popular Twilight franchise, which is marketed to impressionable young adults, to television shows in which women compete against others for the affection of a bachelor, love is marketed and sold to the eager masses, people conditioned to believe that without validation from another in a romantic way, they will never be complete. However, what happens when love really is all consuming, such as the love we read about in classic plays like Romeo and Juliet, or novels such as Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë? And how does one cope with love that is dangerous, obsessive and frightening, such as the terrifying situations that could arise when a young woman is faced with her desperate stalker?

In order to decipher which psychological triggers can cause the escalation from affection to obsession, psychologists and neuroscientists alike must agree on a proper method to quantify love. Operational definitions of what constitutes a love disorder would allow medical professionals to be able to diagnose romantic obsession as a legitimate, recognized mental illness or addiction and help stop the cycle of abuse many people are going through. From neuroimaging data versus surveys, or a biological approach versus a purely psychological one, there is not one definite, correct method of measuring love, dependency in romantic relationships or love “addiction”, allowing for a lot of new developments on research in this area. There are many types of love and many types of people, making it very difficult to measure exactly when emotions are too extreme and whether or not a medical professional needs to intervene. [Although there are a plethora of factors that could cause a person to become romantically obsessed, the closest thing to a main psychological trigger affecting the attachment one may have to another is the care they received as an infant from their mother or primary caregiver. Using this knowledge, one can predict the attachment style of another and determine whether or not they are at risk of becoming romantically obsessed.]

According to Stanton Peele (1975), “A love relationship is based on a desire to grow and to expand oneself through living, and a desire for one's partner to do the same,” however, this is not the case in an obsessive love situation, in which one (or both) partners have an urgent, all-consuming need to be wanted by their partner in the most extreme of ways. Those who are romantically obsessed often have a void to fill, and can only fill that void with a romantic relationship (Peele, 1975). This void starts off a dangerous cycle of abuse, in which the obsessed attaches themselves to their partner and adamantly refuses to let go, and can result in mutual harm, substance abuse and/or suicide. In their article, Reynaud et al. (2010) state their belief that love passion is a “universal and necessary state for human beings” and should not be confused with “what could be defined as a ‘love addiction’”. In their article, the authors state that “the stage where desire becomes a compulsive need, when suffering replaces pleasure, when one persists in the relationship despite knowledge of adverse consequences,” is when you can classify obsession as an addiction. However, is love obsession really an addiction, and if so, why isn’t it recognized by the medical profession?

Love obsession is a very serious issue for thousands around the world, and some even consider their obsession an addiction; however, it is controversial whether or not love obsession could be classified as an addictive disorder. In his article, Peele (1975) states, “there is an understandable resistance to the idea that a human relationship can be equivalent psychologically to a drug addiction,” and due to this resistance, many medical professionals are skeptical to call it an addiction. However, using neuroimaging data, Reynaud et al. (2010) gather that “the honeymoon phase of amorous ecstasy that initiates the attachment to a love object, shows numerous similarities with acute substance intoxication”. This research suggests that the euphoria experienced from love is comparable to a drug, and, like a drug, it is possible for some to abuse it. Another aspect of an addiction is withdrawal, which Reynaud et al. (2010) discuss in their article:

The absence, especially the uncertainty, of the loved person has neuropsychological manifestations similar to the symptoms of substance withdrawal, including negative mood (irritability, anxiety, depression, anger), suffering and sensations of emptiness, sleep disturbance, and cognitive preoccupation with seeking and meeting the other, and craving for this other.

(p. 262, 263)

Further neuroimaging data shows us that “activation in the caudate nucleus, an area of the brain associated with obsessive thinking, was implicated in romantic love, but was shown to be lower in well-established relationships,” (Graham, 2010). The neuroimaging research in this field demonstrates that it is possible for extreme obsession to occur, especially at the onset of a romantic relationship, and this obsession could potentially be treated as a true, psychological addiction.

Although there is an abundance of knowledge on this topic, and neuroimaging is a useful tool professionals can use to witness the brain when experiencing romantic feelings, it is very difficult to quantify love, a phenomenon which involves a variety of emotions. Keeping this in mind, it would be a challenge for any medical professional to accept that obsessive love can be an addiction – because all upbringings are different, all brains are different and every individual relationship is different, and it is almost impossible to compare romantic relationships with all of these differing factors. However, there are commonalities between romantic relationships; almost all of them begin with euphoric feelings by both partners, and often these feelings can be overwhelming. “Anyone who has been passionately in love has experienced not only the exquisite pleasure but also the desperate longing for the other person who becomes the most important goal of their life,” writes Reynaud et al. (2010). This “honeymoon stage” ends quickly in most relationships, but for some, it does not – and in the mind of the obsessed, cannot - end. It is then a relationship can turn sour, and can potentially end with one partner resorting to frightening acts; suicide threats, stalking and even murder are among these. If obsessive love was diagnosed as a legitimate addiction, and this type of abuse more commonly known, the health and well-being of many people would be saved and the dangerous cycle of abuse could end.

There are many factors that affect the likelihood of someone becoming obsessed with another in a romantic relationship. Lack of self-worth is one of these factors; those who do not have any self-love have a void to fill, and often as soon as someone shows interest in that person, they are drawn to them like a moth to flame. Peele (1975) explores this phenomenon by stating that those with a void can only subside it “by subsuming someone else's being inside [themselves], or by allowing someone else to subsume [them]. Often, two people simultaneously engulf and are engulfed by each other. The result is a full-fledged addiction.” Another factor is socioeconomic status. In his book, Peele (1975) explores a study conducted by Lee Rainwater, an expert on differences in human interactions depending on class. In Rainwater’s study he found that “Two-thirds of the middle-class children (compared to only one-fifth of the children from lower-class families) showed evidence of a ‘social dependency constellation.’ The latter can be defined as the need to cling to one human object for love and support.” Although these are just two of the many potential factors, the greatest of these can be defined using attachment theory (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Attachment theory demonstrates that one’s level of dependency in a romantic relationship can be predicted by one’s behaviour by their primary caregiver to them as an infant (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Stephan and Bachman (1999) discuss attachment theory in their article on attachment and sexuality:

Mothers who are consistently available emotionally to respond to their infant’s attachment needs produce infants who form secure attachments, as manifested in exploratory and affiliative behaviors. Mothers who treat their infants in an inconsistent manner, sometimes being overprotective and sometimes being non-attentive, produce anxious/ambivalent infants who are preoccupied with their mothers, and exhibit fewer exploratory behaviors. Mothers who are unresponsive to their infants’ attachment needs produce avoidant infants who actively avoid their mothers when distressed. (p. 111)

According to attachment theory, the attachment style one has as an infant is most likely the one they will have throughout their entire life (Hazan & Shaver, 1987) and can predict the obsessive behaviour of those caught in the throes of a love obsession. Those who receive little care from their mothers (or primary caregiver) find attachment in other areas of their lives, often in another person in a romantic setting. This attachment is harmful both to the attached and the person the obsessed is attached to, and can lead to a harmful love obsession. By using our knowledge of attachment theory, we clearly see that the care we give to our children as infants is pertinent to their adult lives. By being attentive, loving parents, we can reduce the chances of our children suffering from romantic obsession and therefore the potential dangers that accompany the mental illness.

Which main psychological trigger can cause a person to become romantically obsessed with another? By researching this topic and considering the truth behind psychological theories such as attachment theory, we see that romantic obsession is a mental illness that could and should be treated as a psychological addiction. Diagnosis of this mental illness as a genuine disorder would benefit every member of society who either suffers from or is affected by romantic obsession and its potentially dangerous consequences. It is clear that through further research and active discussion by the medical community, we could prevent obsessive love behaviour and promote healthy, loving relationships for all.

lampshade - another poem by me!

2011-10-13T20:00:00.001-07:00

You think it’s absurd when I put my fingers under our only lampshade and

touch the flesh of my finger to the yellow. It’s only then you will yell –

you love me and my skin is burning and I am MAD

the gold band on your left ring finger has only given you a headache

it is SEVEN AM. There are always other excuses, Henry: you Must Consider the Time.

Daily: as I watch the news and eggs fry and a million other lazy men lay in bed, with wives who don’t touch their breakfasts,

you say it because you’re upset and you will never mean it, you swear. You don’t even mean it in your sleep, when I linger over you, ready to grasp the moon of your body. I pluck you from the bed, my giant rock, my hunk of cheese, my saviour.

I can’t think of a time when I didn’t turn or acknowledge your remarks, except today – my eyes, transfixed, were on sweltering fingers and I tried to take stock of my accomplishments– it’s a Tuesday in October, 7:05 AM, and all four are on the bulb. And it’s glowing. You hold your breath and I haggardly count bodies of water.

Huron, Ontario, Michigan.

You tell me you love me as if I’ll forget in the space between 3 and 4.

- poem

2011-09-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i think,

I Am Loved

and it is.

sometimes, i think,

I Am Alone.

and there - it sits.

sometimes, i think,

You Are Loved

and i sing.

sometimes, i think,

you are alone

and we lay together until

it weaves us into an "it"

that moves like me and you

and talks as you and I do

in a language we speak but don't understand.

sometimes, i think,

we are loved and alone, always

and it all depends on the time of day

Quebec

2011-07-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

La belle province.
I am here for a french-immersion program. If you didn't know this about me, I have an obsession with France.. I know, I know I am in Canada, but still... It's the closest I can get to touching Europe again.

I always had a love/hate relationship with Regina Spektor's music. For some reason now, I really love it. Her voice is so... I hate it, but it's amazing. I don't really know how else to explain it.

I love Quebec. Remind me how much I love Quebec if I ever forget.

slothetize

2011-06-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

I am turning into a sloth.

I have had so much cleaning to do and books I should read and movies to watch and clothes to wash and pack... but I have barely gotten around to any of it. Summer vacation has grabbed me by the neck and its fingers are slowly pressing deeper and deeper into the flesh, choking me. Pardon the metaphor. I am being melodramatic, something that happens when you spend a good quarter of your time surfing the interwebs.

I keep having awful dreams about a certain person who once meant a lot to me. I keep feeling weird and gross and jealous about things that don't make sense.

I am so worried and nervous for university next year I can barely think.

Overall, I am not feeling the greatest. When I get back from the dentist today, I think I will actually start packing for this damn trip... or I'll continue my metamorphosis into a three-toed sloth.

excel chewing gum - a monologue

2011-05-30T19:55:00.001-07:00

We used to watch thunderstorms together. You know? In his garage. It was one of those two car garages and we would sit on the side that didn’t have the Ford Taurus parked in it and it would smell like motor oil and his dad’s cheap cologne and rain. His parents wouldn’t be there and neither would his sisters because they were always doing something else and so we would let the garage door open and feel the mist swirling outside, not quite hitting us, but not quite hitting anything, either. And we would just sit there and just watch the sky until the clouds were no longer black. When I told some people this they thought that maybe we would kiss or hold hands as we felt thunder and heard rain and imagined houses getting ripped apart by tornadoes. But no. The most that ever would happen on nights like those was when our legs would touch and I would smile at him without meaning it and he would pass me a piece of excel gum and I’d wonder why his dad bought such cheap cologne and if his mother even liked me after all.

My favourite passages, books, poems.

2011-05-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

All Quiet On The Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque
"Comrade, I did not want to kill you. . . . But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. . . . I thought of your hand-grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony—Forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy?"

I Remember by Nikki Giovanni
i remember learning you jump
in your sleep and smile
when you wake up

at first you cuddle
then one arm across my stomach
then one leg touching my leg then
you turn your back

but you smile when you wake up

i was surprised to know you don’t care
if your amp burns all night and that you could
play ohmeohmy over and over again just
because you remembered

i discovered you don’t like hair
in your bathroom sink and never step
your wet feet onto a clean rug

you will answer your phone
but you don’t talk too long and you do
rub my toes and make faces
while you talk
and your voice told her anyway
that i was there

you can get up at three and make sandwiches
and orange juice and tell jokes
you sometimes make incoherent sentence
you snore
and you smile when you wake up

i know you cry when you’re hurt
and curse when you’re angry
and try when you don’t feel
like it and smile at me
when you wake up

these things i learned through
a simple single touch
when fleshes clashed

Unwritten Law, Louise Glück

Interesting how we fall in love:
in my case, absolutely. Absolutely, and, alas, often—
so it was in my youth.
And always with rather boyish men—
unformed, sullen, or shyly kicking the dead leaves:
in the manner of Balanchine.
Nor did I see them as as versions of the same thing.
I, with my inflexible Platonism,
my fierce seeing of only one thing at a time:
I ruled against the indefinite article.
And yet, the mistakes of my youth
made me hopeless, because they repeated themselves,
as is commonly true.
But in you I felt something beyond the archetype—
a true expansiveness, a buoyance and love of the earth
utterly alien to my nature. To my credit,
I blessed my good fortune in you.
Blessed it absolutely, in the manner of those years.
And you in your wisdom and cruelty
gradually taught me the meaninglessness of that term.

Aubade, Louise Glück

The world was very large. Then
the world was small. O
very small, small enough
to fit in a brain.

It had no color, it was all
interior space: nothing
got in or out. But time
seeped in anyway, that
was the tragic dimension.

I took time very seriously in those years,
if I remember accurately.

A room with a chair, a window.
A small window, filled with the patters light makes.
In its emptiness the world

was whole always, not
a chip of something, with
the self at the center.

And at the center of the self,
grief I thought I couldn’t survive.

A room with a bed, a table. Flashes
of light on the naked surfaces.

I had two desires: desire
to be safe and desire to feel. As though

the world were making
a decision against white
because it disdained potential
and wanted in its place substance:

panels
of golf where the light struck.
In the window, reddish
leaves of the copper beech tree.

Out of the stasis, facts, objects
blurred or knitted together: somewhere

time stirring, time
crying to be touched, to be
palpable,

the polished wood
shimmering with distinctions—

and then I was once more
a child in the presence of riches
and I didn’t know what the riches were made of.

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.
Richard Bach

“Sometimes just one voice
can forever change the way
the world glows for you.”
— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. (Pablo Neruda)

-------
yesterday was the last day of summer
and it makes sense you weren't with me then
or even on this rainy afternoon
you're teaching me to live apart from you
which has reduced to breakfast dishes crowding the nightstand, the tv droning with some julie christie drama, my black hair unwashed for a fifth day.
after all what's grief to someone who
never tires of longing except a manner
of existing in the present, where nothing is derivative.
strange.
it's easier now to reconcile the scene of when i first saw you
crossing a city street on a busy september afternoon.
the one perfect moment, before language.

- david semanki.... poems of new york

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.
—Mary Manin Morrissey

Hidden, Naomi Shihab Nye

If you place a fern
under a stone
the next day it will be
nearly invisible
as if the stone has
swallowed it.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.

No one sees
the fuel that feeds you.

The First Straw | Jeffrey McDaniel
I used to think love was two people sucking
on the same straw to see whose thirst was stronger,

but then I whiffed the crushed walnuts of your nape,
traced jackals in the snow-covered tombstones of your teeth.

I used to think love was a non-stop saxophone solo
in the lungs, till I hung with you like a pair of sneakers

from a phone line, and you promised to always smell
the rose in my kerosene. I used to think love was terminal

pelvic ballet, till you let me jog beside while you pedaled
all over hell on the menstrual bicycle, your tongue

ripping through my prairie like a tornado of paper cuts.
I used to think love was an old man smashing a mirror

over his knee, till you helped me carry the barbell
of my spirit back up the stairs after my car pirouetted

in the desert. You are my history book. I used to not believe
in fairy tales till I played the dunce in sheep’s clothing

and felt how perfectly your foot fit in the glass slipper
of my ass. But then duty wrapped its phone cord

around my ankle and yanked me across the continent.
And now there are three thousand miles between the u

and s in esophagus. And being without you is like standing
at a cement-filled wall with a roll of Yugoslavian nickels

and making a wish. Some days I miss you so much
I’d jump off the roof of your office building

just to catch a glimpse of you on the way down. I wish
we could trade left eyeballs, so we could always see

what the other sees. But you’re here, I’m there,
and we have only words, a nightly phone call - one chance

to mix feelings into syllables and pour into the receiver,
hope they don’t disassemble in that calculus of wire.

And lately - with this whole war thing - the language machine
supporting it - I feel betrayed by the alphabet, like they’re

injecting strychnine into my vowels, infecting my consonants,
naming attack helicopters after shattered Indian tribes:

Apache, Blackhawk; and West Bank colonizers are settlers,
so Sharon is Davey Crockett, and Arafat: Geronimo,

and it’s the Wild West all over again. And I imagine Picasso
looking in a mirror, decorating his face in war paint,

washing his brushes in venom. And I think of Jenin
in all that rubble, and I feel like a Cyclops with two eyes,

like an anorexic with three mouths, like a scuba diver
in quicksand, like a shark with plastic vampire teeth,

like I’m the executioner’s fingernail trying to reason
with the hand. And I don’t know how to speak love

when the heart is a busted cup filling with spit and paste,
and the only sexual fantasy I have is busting

into the Pentagon with a bazooka-sized pen and blowing
open the minds of generals. And I comfort myself

with the thought that we’ll name our first child Jenin,
and her middle name will be Terezin, and we’ll teach her

how to glow in the dark, and how to swallow firecrackers,
and to never neglect the first straw; because no one

ever talks about the first straw, it’s always the last straw
that gets all the attention, but by then it’s way too late.

I Met a Genius, Charles Bukowski

I met a genius on the train
today

about 6 years old,
he sat beside me
and as the train
ran down along the coast
we came to the ocean
and then he looked at me
and said,
it’s not pretty.
it was the first time I’d
realized
that.

*this next one made me cry at school!
DEATH OF A SON
[who died in a mental hospital, aged one]
John Silkin

Something has ceased to come along with me.
Something like a person: something very like one.
And there was no nobility in it
Or anything like that.

Something was there like a one year
Old house, dumb as stone. While the near buildings
Sang like birds and laughed
Understanding the pact

They were to have with silence. But he
Neither sang nor laughed. He did not bless silence
Like bread, with words.
He did not forsake silence.

But rather, like a house in mourning
Kept the eye turned in to watch the silence while
The other houses like birds
Sang around him.

And the breathing silence neither
Moved nor was still.

I have seen stones: I have seen brick
But this house was made up of neither bricks nor stone
But a house of flesh and blood
With flesh of stone

And bricks for blood. A house
Of stones and blood in breathing silence with the other
Birds singing crazy on its chimneys.
But this was silence,

This was something else, this was
Hearing and speaking though he was a house drawn
Into silence, this was
Something religious in his silence,

Something shining in his quiet,
This was different this was altogether something else;
Though he never spoke, this
Was something to do with death.

And then slowly the eye stopped looking
Inward. The silence rose and became still.
The look turned to the outer place and stopped.
With the birds still shrilling around him.
And as if he could speak

He turned over on his side with his one year
Red as a wound
He turned over as if he could be sorry for this
And out of his eyes two great tears rolled, like stones,
And he died.

***one of my all time favourites***
To Dorothy, Marvin Bell

You are not beautiful, exactly.
You are beautiful, inexactly.
You let a weed grow by the mulberry
And a mulberry grow by the house.
So close, in the personal quiet
Of a windy night, it brushes the wall
And sweeps away the day till we sleep.

A child said it, and it seemed true:
“Things that are lost are all equal.”
But it isn’t true. If I lost you,
The air wouldn’t move, nor the tree grow.
Someone would pull the weed, my flower.
The quiet wouldn’t be yours. If I lost you,
I’d have to ask the grass to let me sleep.

Lovesong, Ted Hughes

He loved her and she loved him.
His kisses sucked out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she sucked
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered into the curtains

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Off that moment’s brink and into nothing
Or everlasting or whatever there was

Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy palace
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His words were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assassin’s attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
His glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon’s gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
Her vows put his eyes in formalin
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall

Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage

In the morning they wore each other’s face

Nothing But You, S. B.

We spent fall comparing
guns and graffiti
and wearing diamonds around our necks.

I felt like you weren’t
supposed to become a man.
Not now.
Not at all.

I learned too soon
about the tainted bodies and faces
covering your wall
and that if you did
become a man
I would join the ranks of those girls
no matter how hard
I tried to stay
barefoot and dreaming.

You told me
that I wasn’t allowed to grow up.
Not now.
Not ever.

You said you were always
going to protect me,
no matter what,
and the boys who waited
next to our tree house
wouldn’t be allowed to
stain me as long as you were around.

And you always would be.

I spent the summer
listening to the doors creak
open and closed
and whispers fly through windows
and watching the boys get
impatient, waiting on the lawn.

You were swept away
by the faithless girls
who seemed to have stepped
off your wall to steal you.

I learned how
to lean on brick walls
and fences with the waiting boys
who told be that your promises
had been nothing but you
making down payments
on guilt.

P.S., by Franz Wright

I close my eyes and see
a seagull in the desert,
high, against unbearably blue sky.

There is hope in the past.

I’m writing to you
all the time, I am writing

with both hands,
day and night.

I Carry Your Heart
E E Cummings
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear

no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want

no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nightclub

You are so beautiful and I am a fool
to be in love with you
is a theme that keeps coming up
in songs and poems.
There seems to be no room for variation.
I have never heard anyone sing
I am so beautiful
and you are a fool to be in love with me,
even though this notion has surely
crossed the minds of women and men alike.
You are so beautiful, too bad you are a fool
is another one you don't hear.
Or, you are a fool to consider me beautiful.
That one you will never hear, guaranteed.

For no particular reason this afternoon
I am listening to Johnny Hartman
whose dark voice can curl around
the concepts on love, beauty, and foolishness
like no one else's can.
It feels like smoke curling up from a cigarette
someone left burning on a baby grand piano
around three o'clock in the morning;
smoke that billows up into the bright lights
while out there in the darkness
some of the beautiful fools have gathered
around little tables to listen,
some with their eyes closed,
others leaning forward into the music
as if it were holding them up,
or twirling the loose ice in a glass,
slipping by degrees into a rhythmic dream.

Yes, there is all this foolish beauty,
borne beyond midnight,
that has no desire to go home,
especially now when everyone in the room
is watching the large man with the tenor sax
that hangs from his neck like a golden fish.
He moves forward to the edge of the stage
and hands the instrument down to me
and nods that I should play.
So I put the mouthpiece to my lips
and blow into it with all my living breath.
We are all so foolish,
my long bebop solo begins by saying,
so damn foolish
we have become beautiful without even knowing it.

Billy Collins

bombs overhead

2011-05-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

the planes have lost their wings,

sky is dark.

we stare into black until they drop to their

ten-ton-knees and remember

how young we are.

it is for your safety i cover our eyes with

our fingers and run my lips over your cheek skin.

it is not as soft as i had imagined -

what are thoughts when flames tease the air we breathe with trash? the debris

of our lives . ....... ?
i can't help but wonder if i could have stopped this or

recycled more.

it is now i feel hot breath on my beck and pry away your fingers from my knuckles and knuckles from our faces and suck in smoke through every part touching air

i hope to God we leave.

may 1st and it's snowing

2011-05-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe all the changes happening in my life.

everything is moving SO INCREDIBLY FAST.

it seems as if as soon as I take the time to appreciate what is happening, it's over and I need to let go.

I am going to Quebec this summer for five weeks to take part in a French Immersion program. This morning my mom, in typical mom fashion, burst into tears because of how much she'd miss me and how nervous she was about me getting there alone.

It's like I'm on this bridge between adult and child.

this blog is stupid

2011-03-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

so i'm just going to post whatever i want. there.

thoughts from tonight:

i want to pour out my thoughts "like endless rain into a paper cup" i want to die feeling like i did something worthwhile.

why am i lonely sometimes?

i want to meet you but i don't know where

i don't know you at all

what is the name of no one?

what is existence when you can't feel anyone beside you?

am i real..? what is real?

fuck

-------------

it was a good night until i started thinking

a morbid short story. (not my usual style.)

2011-02-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

REPORT 31 – JULY 16 1977
10:32 AM

They have kept me in here for exactly a month now. They tell me this is where I belong. I’ve heard the nurses speak about me, saying I am very sick. I am not sick… I am a man who has lost his family… I have lost everything.

I am supposed to write down what I see and hear and think in this journal. I know They all read my words… but I want my story to be heard. I have carefully recorded all of it in the past 30 entries. If they read it they will understand what happened to me.

I hear Loraine’s voice in the White Room and she tells me what I did was right. I love her, and when I die we will be together. I do not ever think of the other one, even though Dr. Ridden wants me to. I don’t think of that thing. Satan’s grasp on me is weak here, so I don’t even remember its name. I don’t want to… it was a wicked thing that killed my wife.

This is my last entry in this damned journal. I have planned my suicide. They say the White Room is safe, and it is, but I know I can find a way to die and see my Loraine once more.

***

The last time Mr. and Mrs. Fisher and their daughter Sadie were together was on a rowboat. The family had gone every May since 1975, when Sadie was nine, boating along the calm waters of Lake Champlain, eating the egg salad sandwiches Loraine Fisher had made. The last time they were on the rowboat, the water in the lake was calm, but the currents underneath swirled around so much that it was a shock to all the investigative reporters afterward that the shoddy rowboat had stayed afloat so brilliantly atop the glassy surface.

Sadie was a beautiful eleven year old girl at the time, with shiny blonde hair that fell to the middle of her back, just like her mother’s. Loraine and Sadie looked so alike that it was a surprise to most that Harold, Sadie’s father, was not Arian like his wife and daughter, but in fact had raven hair and beady green eyes that settled into his face in a way that made most feel uneasy for no particular reason. However, the three of them loved each other like no other family at the time; Sadie adored her parents in the same way that the parents had spoiled the child, giving her too much attention and love. But although many only-children grow up to be selfish and needy, Sadie was quite the opposite, for her mother’s giving nature had rubbed off on her.

It was Loraine’s giving nature that lead to her demise. When Sadie’s pink hat fell off the boat and into Lake Champlain that May morning, it was, of course, Loraine who leaned over the edge to grab it, and it was Sadie who accidentally bumped into her mother when the boat rocked in Loraine’s direction. It was Loraine who fell into the lake and Loraine who couldn’t swim. It was Harold who jumped in after, as the current took his wife, and as the rowboat rocked vigorously on the surface of the water, holding Sadie, who could neither cry nor move, only sit and watch, as her mother’s lovely sun-hat gently floated to the surface and her father’s eyes filled with tears as he attempted to swim back to the boat, his strong stride only barely beating the current.

It was at that precise moment that Sadie knew everything was different.

***

REPORT 21 – JULY 6 1977
10:18 AM

I am starting to remember what had happened in the house more clearly now, for Dr. Ridden has told me if I ever want to leave here I have to remember what happened exactly and let him know, and then maybe I can go back to my house and my job. As much as I want to leave, I have been drawing a blank this entire time… But today, I had a vision of what happened. I remembered there were two of them and there was fishing line and a lot of liquid everywhere, dripping from my hands and the things I had just spoke to and I only awoke when I heard sirens. The smaller thing was speaking to me and asking if she was going to a nice place. I only heard Loraine’s voice in my head, and then… everything was gone. I know it doesn’t make sense but I can’t form words to describe the pictures in my mind. I am a victim of the pictures.

***

Walter Oak was principal at the only elementary school in the small town in Vermont where the Fishers had lived. When he received the call from the single fifth grade teacher about Sadie Fisher’s bruises, it was June of 1977, and school was almost over for the year. He had seen the girl walk around the school after her mother died, her head to her chest, and her arms, dark purple where pale used to be prevalent, and it worried him. He had asked her earlier that week if she was okay, and she responded, ‘Yes, Mr. Oak’, but there was no life in her eyes.
Walter hadn’t known what to do about the girl, but he figured Mrs. Hodgson, the fifth grade teacher, would deal with Sadie. But she hadn’t known what to do either, for Cheston Elementary had never had a problem with abuse, if that was even the case. Walter knew his job was on the line with this one, and if he went to the state police with this, and there was no problem, it would look bad on his perfect record as principal. However, if he didn’t do something about Sadie Fisher, and quickly, he could be fired by the superintendent and his plan to propose to Silvia, two weeks after school was let out, would never follow through.
Silvia Martin worked at the school part time, coming in Wednesdays and Fridays to help the fifth grade class, and to visit Walter. She had taken a liking to Sadie, whose quiet demeanour reminded her of herself at the same age. So Walter Oak did what any other elementary school principal with a lot on his plate would do. He delegated.
It was June 16, 1977, when soon-to-be-Mrs. Silvia Martin followed Sadie home from school to the house where Sadie had lived her entire eleven years, with the intention of checking up on Sadie’s home life, being an advocate for all the worried teachers at the school, and to see if Mr. Fisher was or could have been abusive to his daughter. The two of them had no idea what to expect.

REPORT 26 – JULY 11 1977
10:21 AM

I have nothing to do in this place. Every morning, they slide my meal in the slot in the door. The nurse comes in every morning and allows me into Dr. Ridden’s room at 9:00 AM. We speak for about an hour, usually, if I even do speak. And then he gives me this journal and expects me to write. He says this will happen every single day until I can give them more details of what happened.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I can remember a lot more. There were two of them and they came to the door of my house. I started crying because I thought it was Loraine standing there, but it was the other one, who has the same hair and same eyes. I stood there looking at them, when the taller one spoke. “Mr. Fisher, my name is Silvia,” she said. She looked scared even though she was really pretty. Loraine told me that they were tricking me, pretending to be people I could trust. Loraine told me to be calm and to lead them into the house.

I lead them in the front way and Silvia starting talking but I couldn’t hear her. All I heard was Loraine, my beautiful wife, telling me to get the basket. I had not touched the basket since the incident. She told me to get it so I got it, and the little imposter was asking me what I was doing. She called me daddy, so I threw the basket at her because I knew she wasn’t real.

It was then Silvia grabbed the phone but I pushed it away from her. Loraine was so happy she was crying. I was smiling because my wife was happy. Silvia fell onto the ground and told the little one to run, but she didn’t, she just watched. I did something then but I don’t remember what, but my wife was so happy and I was so happy. I woke up feeling sore, and there were men in uniform everywhere I looked. I didn’t know what to do, but Loraine told me what I did was right. I hadn’t been that happy since the incident.
I will try to remember more later but I am tired now.

***

The phone had dropped to the floor and Silvia knew she had no chance. She looked at Sadie, whose eyes were wide and helpless, and told her to run. Sadie couldn’t move. Watching Ms. Martin die was her punishment for killing her mother. She knew if she ran away know her mother in heaven would never forgive her. She had to be strong.
Mr. Fisher was on top of Silvia, breathing into her face. He reeked like alcohol. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he yelled, though a smile was on his lips.
“Sadie, run, please!” Silvia screamed.
“You fucking bitch, you killed my wife, you killed my wife!” Mr. Fisher stood up like a shot and leaned over Sadie, who quivered in response. “Get me the fishing line.”
The fishing line was on the floor beside Sadie’s foot. It spilled out of the basket they had used on the trip when Mr. Fisher had thrown it at his daughter. Sadie was obedient.
“Sadie, do not listen to him!” Silvia had stood up at this point and grabbed the first object she could find: a beer bottle. She smashed the end on the table beside her, where the phone once was.
Mr. Fisher turned around at the sound of the glass breaking, and laughed. He easily took the beer bottle from Silvia and drove the broken end into her stomach as hard as he could. Silvia gasped, then puked blood all over the carpet. The light flew from her eyes, like the way a glowing meteorite sails over a barren field.

Sadie held the fishing line in her trembling hand. “And the scissors,” said Mr. Fisher, who hurriedly snatched up the line from his daughter. Sadie responded to his delight.
“I love you, daddy,” she said. Mr. Fisher didn’t respond. He only hummed with excitement, the way a father might hum when expecting to hold his newborn child for the first time.
“Don’t move,” he laughed.

***

REPORT 32 – JULY 17 1977
10:08 AM

I said in my last entry that I would never write in here again, that I would be dead. I tried to kill myself, ramming my fingers down my throat until I puked up all of my organs, but it didn’t work. I realised today though that if I died I would never see my daughter again, and that made me upset. She looks a lot like Loraine. Maybe if I saw her again I would feel better.
I also have been hearing Loraine’s voice a lot more than usual. She keeps telling me that I will be okay, but I read what Dr. Ridden wrote about me when I glanced at his journal when he turned around to get me a book. He wrote I was delusional, schizophrenic and progressively getting worse. I don’t fully know what that means but I think it means he knows I can hear and sometimes see Loraine in the White Room. I miss and love her so much.

***

The last thing Sadie remembered before Harold Fisher ended her life was the rowboat. Sadie had never felt hatred in her life, but when she looked back in her mind’s eye before Harold stabbed the scissors into her throat was how the boat had taken away the people she had felt the most love and care for. The boat had stolen the life of her mother, the sanity of her father and in turn caused the death of Ms. Martin. Sadie’s eyes filled with tears as she felt her clothes being ripped off her body and sharp metal pointing into her neck. “Am I going to a nice place?” she asked her father.

***

The bodies of Ms. Silvia Martin and Sadie Fisher were found a few short hours after school was let out that day in June in 1977. Their bodies were found naked, strung up to the rafters in the basement of the house the Fisher family had resided in for eleven years, with strong fishing line and duct tape supporting them. Their decapitated heads were found in a small picnic basket, with a handwritten note on top, reading: ‘for my dear Loraine, with love, Harold.’

sustain

2011-01-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I have posted on this blog, and I guess that mostly has to do with how busy I have been these past months.

2010 was a very life-changing year and one that had a lot more downs than ups. However, I learned along the way that the downs I had were all because of my thoughts and reactions and not so much the circumstances. I had very little self worth for most of the year and I was unhappy because I felt stuck in the insignificant life I lead.

I still have to work on self-worth (which is different than confidence, I guarantee it) and feeling 'hopeless', but I know now the only reason why these problems ever existed was because of my thoughts. Thoughts create positive or negative energy in your life. Affirming thoughts = affirming, positive energy = movement. Movement from one place in life to another, positive, immeasurable changes. Degrading thoughts = harmful, negative energy = stagnation. No movement, just lifelessness.

Here is a list of 10 things I did in 2010, for good or bad, and the lessons learned:

1. I was dumped by a person I truly loved, but did not care for me in the same way.

- do not make someone your whole world, especially someone who doesn't seem to care.

- stand up for yourself and speak your mind.

- do not idolize others for it brings down your self worth.

- do not believe it when someone shows you that you aren't worth it.

2. I traveled to France and Italy

- beauty is soul nourishing. relish in it when you witness it, and be present in every moment.

3. I partied like it was 1999.

- even if your peers do not support you, sometimes letting loose is exactly what you need.

4. I applied for cabinet in a youth organization and was accepted.

- good work done will reap positive, life-affirming benefits.

5. I wrote a play that was eventually performed.

- choose reliability over talents in any group you lead or direct. Whether it be a play, organization or project, reliability is the most important virtue to have in a team player.

6. I didn't make a stand when a friend of mine did me an injustice.

- know which friends you keep forever, and which ones you will be okay with letting go.

7. I got my first job.

- money is great, but do something you love over work.

8. I joined a cross country team, hurt my ankle and couldn't participate in finals.

- it's okay to give up when something important is in jeopardy, such as your health.

9. I further developed an unlikely friendship.

- judging others is a waste of time, stay close to people who have your best interests in mind.

10. I received a bad mark on a quiz, and an amazing mark on the test.

- if at first you don't succeed, keep trying. As Randy Pausch said, "brick walls are to show you how much you want something."

thank you, happy new year, I will post more this year.

a tree still grows

2010-10-06T20:29:00.001-07:00

a tree grows without thinking about it.

it doesn't compromise or compare its branches
it doesn't wish or hope to be taller or stronger
it doesn't complain when it doesn't get what it wants.

a tree still grows
even through winter
even through storms.

they never block out the things, like the sun, that it needs to grow.

it could lose everything but it's roots, and still be alive, still keep going.

because a tree grows.

humans, people, think about their growth.

they compromise themselves and compare themselves to others
they wish and hope to be perfect, even when perfect doesn't exist
they complain when they get what they need
they complain when they get what they want
they complain about everything.

humans put up walls around themselves
through stormy times
through harsh conditions in their lives,
they block out the sun they need to grow.

humans stop their growth.

why should we not be like a tree?
what tells us we are different from the rest of nature?
why do we have issues with ourselves?

why are we never satisfied?

hello? ANYBODY OUT THERE?

2010-09-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

Seriously.
I have 58 followers and barely any comments.

I know this sounds a wee immature but that's how I know people are listening! and if people are listening and reading what I write, then it helps me help you guys by using my extensive teenagerly brain to give you tips and advice on like relationships and like, life! OMG powerpuff girls! <3 <3 <3 No, but seriously... I'd like a comment. Just one. Maybe I should just photospam the hell out of you guys. Or plug my freaking youtube...

(e-hem... this is me.)

THERE'S WAY MORE LIKE THIS ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL. IF YOU LIKE THIS VIDEO. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LIKE IT!

Speaking of plugging!

my friend Haley is doing some weight-loss stuff and blogging about it. I want her to keep this up so if you guys send her a shout on her blog saying something awesome and encouraging, it'd be great! :) Cause she rocks. And you readers out there rock. All 58 of you...

I've been doing tons of exercising myself and I just want to remind you guys: IT FEELS GOOD, really.

(Do you ever feel like you have so much to say you just can't contain yourself? that's me right now.)

<3 love!

fresh?

2010-08-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

I want to start my last high school year off right.

I am the kind of person who chases after people, the kind who tries too hard sometimes. The kind of person who will think about a comment you said about her for days and days and days and - even with killer confidence - just can't seem to ever bring it up again.

I am the kind of person who can't fake a smile, even when she needs to, so when she's upset she tries her best not to be around people, because she doesn't want to bring them down, even though she knows they will be the ones to raise her spirits.

I am the kind of person who can't handle rejection in any way, shape or form.

I am the kind of person who inwardly despises all the parts of her that are 'bad' at something.

And honestly, I don't want to be this person anymore. A people pleaser. Someone who is somewhat different, yet tries to fit in a mould that wasn't meant for her to fit. A mould that isnt even human.

I guess this is what being a teen is like, finding out "WHO YOU ARE" but I refuse to do it for another year.

It's time to accept who I am and stop feeling like a "loser" when I'm just being myself. I want to start this year off RIGHT. and I will (hopefully) let you guys know how it's going throughout the year.

I excourage you to do this too. Write down things about yourself that try to fit into society's mould of a "perfect person", things that make you uncomfortable, things you don't like about "who you are". Looking at them so plainly the way I just did truly make you realize how impossible it is to fit that mould, so stop trying and (I am going to sound like a self-help book here) BE YOURSELF. No. Don't "be yourself".. that's just more acting. Just... BE. and be okay with Being!
..................

On a lighter note, check out my youtube!

perfect

2010-08-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder:
How am I supposed to plan the next few years of my life when I don't have any clue what's going to happen? How can I make safe decisions and still be so blissfully happy?
Because, to be perfectly honest, it's about time I'm happy with my life.

me at age 3

I think I am a perfectionist.
It's a bad trait, really.
I was thinking about it today when I was talking with my cousin. She has a very "organic" mentality; she loves healthy foods, folk-y things, things that stay together yet still fall apart in a pretty way, the great outdoors, zero technology.
and sure, I can definitely be like that too, but not when it comes to my dream life.
When I picture my dream life I see a loving husband, two or three kids in piano and soccer, a white picket fence. I see a vacation every year and a successful career and marriage. I see growing old, loving my grandkids, dying with my friends all around me.

Nothing is that perfect.

I guess I picture this life because my home life growing up is the classic broken family - 2 households, 2 angry parents, 2 many choices at such a young age. I hated my roots, and I guess the ten year old girl who doesn't get to go on vacation or take piano lessons still hates them too. I guess I gotta accept where I came from. It's just hard to embrace broken when it's damaged beyond belief.

I know I probably won't have the white picket life. But I know my life won't be the way it was growing up either. I guess that's a fair compromise.

me at age three, before my ... issues...

The perfectionist in me quivers at the thought of university. I know what I want to do, I just don't know where for sure, and I don't know where I will be living, or if I'll have a car, or what job I will have... and the perfectionist in me also quivers at the next ten months of my life.

Senior year of high school is a big deal, right? you have to make choices. And these choices will affect "The Rest Of My Life." And these choices are scary as hell!

I need to keep my life balanced, but it will be so difficult, especially since I now have a job and an average to maintain if I want to help my family pay for my schooling.

Maybe I should make a chart.

Things Perfectionist Bev is shit-scared of:
scenario 1
- being so busy, she loses all her friends.
- unable to say no to anyone, she quickly finds herself working nights when she has tests to study for.
- doing crappy on said tests.
- getting bad marks = no money

OR

scenario 2
- being so busy with extra-curriculars, she loses her job.
- unable to find a new job, she has no money to save for:
a) a laptop (she's currently on her piece of shit computer)
b) a vehicle
c) a sweet vacation sometime in the next 7 years
- these extra-curriculars drop her average.
- getting bad marks = no money

me at age 1.5

I think I'm over-thinking things.

I'm just scared, guys.

These next ten months will require a lot of coffee, love, meditation, yoga, therapy and hope. (I'm joking about the therapy.)

Let's begin!

too much clutter!

2010-08-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your life is so cluttered? everything bombarding you with messages, busy schedules, not enough relaxation? and when you do relax, are you like me, who feels like time is being wasted?

I don't really know what to do about this feeling. But at least I know it's there? That's a start, I guess!

my summer has been pretty good so far. It went by too fast, but then again, I am excited for my senior year of high school... time to grow up.

I hope everything is going well in your lives! I am still on my journey - the journey to find out who I am, who I want to be, where I am going to go - and I am still trying to change my thoughts for the better. So far, it's working.

Positivity is key, my friends.

Bev

a confession

2010-08-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

"It can be nearly impossible to stay open minded, calm and forgiving when faced with difficult and stressful situations, and taking out my frustration on others is a natural part of this cycle of negativity."

this is something I naturally believed most of my childhood.
and although now I don't agree with it at all, this is the kind of person I still can be when faced with a situation that angers me.

I admit it: I am a person, when faced with difficulty and stress, who lashes out on the ones closest to them.

You could call me an adolescent with a body chock-full of raging hormones, a jerk, or simply "normal" for acting this way.. but there are no valid excuses for exercising angry feelings toward someone else who has done no wrong. Even if they did do wrong, who am I, in my self-righteousness many call 'the Ego', to tell them off?

I just wanted to share that with you, and maybe it will inspire you to admit the way you have been for many years is wrong, and that every man, woman and child is truly, without-a-doubt, equal.

(I apologize for getting preachy on you.)

I need to learn what to do in difficult and stressful situations instead of lashing out. I need to rewire this hard-drive and change. I have been doing it, slowly but surely, and I will continue to do it until my way of thinking is beneficial to everyone around me.

thanks for listening,

bev

notebook number... uhh... 7?

2010-08-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you'd know i carry a notebook with me everywhere. in it, i write everything.. thoughts, feelings, poems, dreams... you name it! these are snippets of my notebook from January until June... i know, long! PLEASE ENJOY, and credit me if you use any or the pictures, which are all mine from Europe! thanks guys.

I am watching the sun dance between the branches of winter elms.

snow cannot dis
rupt the pale yellow
the sounds of morning
men with their fresh pressed suits
setting out to change nothing make
their morning noises

and the sun watches, her ears wide open
her smiling face as if to say
"you are all so foolish"
and just keep
on
turning.

I stare up at the sky tonight
and study the three nebulae that
make up the Hunter's celestial belt.

I wonder if Orion once was beautiful as you
when your lips form that small
o
and you watch the moon spin away.

No.
nothing can be this beautiful, I decide. and I'm sure
his half smile would be crooked,
pale and gleaming,
as if he agreed.

his heart, a womb
housed their love;
a child. with all ten

fingers and toes. and there it
grew
into a jungle of branches
and swaying fruit. sweaty
air dripping of salt and acid
rain and happiness
this jungle grew, and so did his heart
and the child was content -
it was love, unscathed.
eyes dripping with exotic riches
hair of large leafy boughs
dark green with wax,
it waited to be born with spoken word
the touch of leaf to skin to skin
salt and acid rivers in his veins:
she had all that required delivery of his perfect body,
ripe as day,
with all ten fingers
and only a few
m s n g
toes.

title: OLD GREATS.
the old man at the bank machine.

he stands, hunched over digits
his long tan jacket swirled about himself as if he wore a cloak
like one of the greats:
Michaelangelo, Da Vinci, Dante
Galileo, even
but he hasn't accomplished much
in his 60 plus years,
for almost everyone is a modern day genius in Italy
nevermind temper-mental.

No, he hasn't written revolutionary books
but he has a cocker spaniel
he's married, has a beautiful daughter
whom he sends late-night money and yellow flowers to often
when she isn't visiting Florence.

warning: these next poems are about a break up, therefore some are depressing!

title: inoculation NATION

my heart is beating very fast
Doctor said It's Broken, said I Need a cast
stranger danger, a man walks in
stethoscope in hand, he proclaims
'I'll fix it, I know I can'
and he smiled, and I grinned and
for once, I think I win.
no more stitches, no more scars
I can thank these lucky stars
because:

when you wear your wedges in the hedges
I'm laughing like a lucky lover's lampshade
and my heart isn't broken.
and I wonder as I ask where we were
if you're faking, slowly taking me for granted
and my heart isn't broken, no
it doesn't even hurt.

you compliment my complimentary condiments
as you step into your sappy santa slippers
your hair is a messy mash of mangled tangles
and I love your lively laugh.

when you dance in a Trance, fancy romance
I'm Joyful like a jellybean boyfriend full of smiles
and my heart isn't broken.
you're winding me up I'm finding
I screwed up I feel
used up and Confused.

but my heart isn't broken, no
it doesn't even hurt.

Doctor said I'm Fixed, just take the Pills
Doctor said I'm Better, healed all my Ills
he told him, 'You Really Did Get Her
A New Taste Of The Weather!'
the stranger smiled, I grinned
and for once, I think I win.
I love your lively laugh.

I love the state I'm in.

My heart isn't broken, no
not since the stranger took me in
I had an operation after all the drugs set in.
"it's an inoculation nation," he cried. "this world is broken, drugged
and injected. this world is abused, this world is infected! I have no stitches, I have no scars, I hurt because I am living!"

So the Doctor took him away.

He stole him away from me.

but my heart isn't broken, no
not
at
all.

I love the state I'm in.

we will meet
one day
at the corner of life and heartbreak,
on the edge of light and shadow,
there you will wait for me.

maybe you will smile when I walk by.
as if I am what you are looking for.
as if I'm a fool with my head down.

and this time you won't hurt me, this time you'll be different.
and maybe, I will laugh
with one hand deep inside my chest pumping my fist to stay alive.

you will pry all of my fingers away.
and neither of us will flinch
when our flesh melts. when we meet,
someday,
on the precipice of truth and deceit.

I just wish I could float away into the deep celestial arms of space
with nothing to comfort me except asteroids
with no one out there but me.

maybe that is what dying feels like
maybe dying is a comfortable emptiness
maybe it's just like floating
maybe it's nothing at all
which would probably feel better than this.

I never understood how love could be transferred

the way the city bus, dirty and new in it's faded grief
could take me from my home to yours in just a few minutes.
it didn't make sense
how love,
an invisibly childish thing could
FLY across the air
back into my heart from where it once resided in yours
all battered and bruised like a ripped petal off some precious flower, dripping
with heat longing
for nurture.

I never really understood how you could not give back what I gave -
a glance in exchange for unfaltering care and devotion
and it never made sense to me how all those pieces inside me ripped in half
yet HERE I REMAIN, more ALIVE
than the flower,
so complex and gentle,
divine in brilliant youth,
being driven over by a lonely city bus
in your favourite month.

she kissed him for he was a precious stone at the bottom of the ocean and only her eyes were open to his beauty. what she saw, no one else even knew or could imagine for they were all blind to his wonder. so she kept him to herself. all packed away and she never knew
he
would
leave. she loved him, in these glorious depths, as he floated away slow at first and then faster just sinking sinking to the ocean floor.

Thank you for reading! Comment? :)

my summer in pictures

2010-07-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

international music camp, gearing up for lunch!

beach with friends!

(2)

folk festival with friends! (the two on the ends were photoshopped in)

played with bubbles with my friend, Raezavel

(2)

the end

Good Things Come In Fives

2010-07-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

MY 5 STEP ACTION PLAN FOR A LIFE CHANGING YEAR:

Love HARD
See Beauty In ALL Others
Say Yes Often
Fall In Love With LIFE
Be Around People That Positively Affect Me

I want to inspire people. So right now, take out a piece of paper, write on your blog, shout it out loud or just simply remember your five step action plan for having the best year of your life. You can start this now, it doesn't have to be New Year's Eve, it doesn't have to be your birthday! Just do it! Today!

My list will ensure I have a good year because if I stick to my action plan, all the rest of my life will follow through. When you operate at a level of gratitude for life, and see the beauty and kindness in others, more gratifying and beautiful events will happen in your life! I guarantee it! This is just one small part of the Law of Attraction, the law that attracts everything into your life, be in good or bad.

Abundance-and-Happiness.com says: "everything within our universe broken down into it's purest form is a vibrating mass of atoms and subatomic particles. (Energy) Through the Law of Attraction , the energy (vibrations) that you resonate and project based on your thoughts, feelings, and emotions determines your "vibrational frequency" which broadcasts that frequency, attracts to it energy or vibrational frequencies that harmonize or resonate with it which determines the events, situations, and circumstances that you attract and eventually see manifest into your life."

Our intention creates our reality.

Wayne Dyer

When people operate at a depressed, angry, vengeful energy level, everyone can sense it. We don't want to be around these people. They make us feel worse, literally bringing us down. But those who operate at a higher energy level, the energy of love, kindness and compassion, live a life truly full of love and hope and wonder.

If you haven't thought about these things, now is the time! This isn't some crazy idea I made up - it's pure fact! I've been researching the law of attraction and the power of positive thinking for a few years now, and gave up on it a few times. But as I look back, all my happiest times were when I was most at peace with the world and myself.

When I chased after money, I never had enough. When I got my life on purpose and focused on giving of myself and everything that arrived into my life, then I was prosperous.

Wayne Dyer

My homework for you:

1. Write down your personal action plan and put it somewhere where you can see it every day. Think about these personal goals all the time. See them coming true in your mind. Read them often.

2. Do not doubt your abilities to change your life! There is no such thing as someone better than you; feeling inferior is a result of the ego. The ego is the part of ourselves that identifies with what we have, our social status, our abilities and achievements, our friends, our financial situation, our intelligence and this part compares us to other people, making us feel better or worse than them. The ego also always wants to be right and can harm us in many ways, mentally, emotionally and physically (depression has many physical symptoms).

3. Do whatever you can to live in a constant state of gratitude.

4. Research the Law of Attraction.

5. Practice changing your thought patterns! Positivity clears your soul, connects you to others, brings more happiness in your life and shows you that you create your world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE IMPORTANCE OF GRATITUDE

what is gratitude and why is it so important?

Wikipedia says: "Gratitude, thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.The experience of gratitude has historically been a focus of several world religions,^[1] and has been considered extensively by moral philosophers..."

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.

Meister Eckhart

Gratitude is so important in many ways, especially in today's society. In this day and age, it can be difficult to feel as if you are making a difference in someone's life. By simply thanking someone for a favor, for being a great friend, or for just being in your life you can show them how much you truly appreciate them, putting both the thanker and the thank-ee in a good mood - and a good mood means that you are attracting more good things into your life! Whenever someone around me is extremely happy and grateful, it is infectious and puts me in a better mood, a better mind-frame, which allows me to function better in almost every way.

If you see every situation as a blessing, even the hard times, then you are on your way to living a life full of joy. Gratitude is one of the most simple yet under-rated things.

MY GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Today I am thankful for:

My fantastic friends who make me feel good.
Warm weather.
Access to internet, good food and clean water.
My bed, which I always feel so safe in.
My mom, who drives me whenever I need a ride and is always there for me.

The Law of Attraction is always at work. The other day, I went to a local thrift store, thinking about gratitude. I read a book recently called 'Jack Canfield's Key to Living the Law of Attraction' in which he states writing 5 things every single night before bed about what you are grateful for is one of the best things you can do to live a healthy, healing, happy life. Every night I had been doing this in my bedroom, on a little notebook, but I dreamed of having somewhere legitimate to put my 5 gratitudes for each day.

At the thrift store, I went into the book aisle and Lo and Behold! a gratitude journal that was fully blank, with spots for every day of the year to write 5 things you are grateful for. It was literally brand new looking and very inexpensive. Of course I bought it!

It is unreal the power of the Law of Attraction and how whatever you want can come your way if you are grateful for it, open to it, have no doubts and just know that no matter what, you will succeed in getting what you want.

my homework for you:

1. Write down 5 things you are grateful for for each day this next week. If you don't remember to do so, don't worry about it and just go to the next day. It's best to do this before bed, where you can reflect on your day without any distractions.

2. Say thank you in every situation, good or bad. You will begin to see the positives before you know it and your life will improve, I guarantee it.

3. If you are ever upset, look back at the things you wrote down. relax, and know that you have so many things to be grateful for.

4. If you can't think of anything important to write down, think of the little things. The weather, a smile, a kind gesture, a commercial you saw, literally anything can be written down.

5. Don't doubt the power of saying thank you, to anyone. It can be the difference between someone having a good day or a bad day, the difference between being treated with respect and tossed aside. It is a powerful tool that is free, easy and nourishing to use.

Five Awesome Websites

Thank you so much for reading my blog! I hope you enjoyed this post despite the text-heaviness! Next post, hopefully, will either be poetry or something lighter.

Also, I really hope you guys do at least SOME of the homework. Whether you do it or not, comments show me you care!

Thanks for reading,

Bev

time for change!

2010-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello blogosphere!

I wanted to give another summer update before posting my poetry. (sorry, if any of you were looking forward to that. I know I have OH SO MANY fans who read this blog regularly...)

Basically, things have been looking good in my world! I have had a great deal of fun volunteering this summer, and have forty more hours to make a total of seventy hours going towards my volunteer credit at school.

I also have been trying to cross off my summer bucket list like crazy, and have read a few more books to add to my list:

1. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
2. Catalyst - Laurie Halse Anderson
3. Truth in Comedy (it's an improvizational theatre handbook) - Charna Halpern, Del Close, Kin "Howard" Johnson

4. The Key to Living the Law of Attraction by Jack Canfield (and I've been implementing all his techniques, I will blog about them later.. I promise!)

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

and another update on my bucket list! (the ones I have done I will put in bold)

1. become great friends with a stranger.
2. build a sandcastle.
3. fly my parrot kite. (yes, I have a parrot kite!)
4. paint.
5. walk my dog at least once, alone, for over an hour. (I never do this by myself, it just doesn't happen!)
6. film some covers for youtube
7. save at least a grand.
8. see at least 5 improv shows.
9. look up and practice clarinet.
10. listen to my iPod, Ophelia, a ridiculous amount.
11. read at least 7 books, each with different types/styles/genres.
12. bake and decorate cupcakes.
13. pull an all-nighter (i do not care if they are overrated! I haven't had one in three years.)
14. take part in a bonfire.
15. go for a short, safe run (i have a bad knee.)
16. picnic.
17. ride my bike at least once!
18. prepare a meal.

I have a bit over a month to finish the rest, I hope I do!

I found this 'Belly Fat Busting' E-zine article. I found it quite simple and useful so I decided to share it on here.

Tired of carrying those extra weights around your middle? Here are some tips that can help you quickly lose weight and inches off that potbelly of yours. There are ways to have a flatter stomach without doing those dreaded crunches.

Belly Fat Busting Tip #1

Increase your protein and decrease your carbohydrates. It can deliver a one-two punch right to the belly. Carbohydrates increase your insulin level which can slow down your metabolism. The body can only metabolize just so much carbohydrates at once that tend to convert the rest to sugar and turned into body fat.

You just need to have 3-4 oz of lean protein with every meal. This kicks your metabolism up a few notches and an extra help of vegetables in order to add more fiber can keep thinks move along nicely. This is the first step to quick weight loss around your belly.

Belly Fat Busting Tip #2

Reduce your alcohol consumption. Alcohol provides no nutrients and each gram of it contains 7 calories. 100% of the calories you consume through alcohols are stored as fat meaning every beverage you consume is converted to fat usually around the belly.

Cutting back to just one or two drinks a couple of times a week will pay huge dividends to your belly fat busting account.

Belly Fat Busting Tip #3

When it comes to junk-food... pick two and you're through! It means to pick one salty junk food item and one sweet junk food item to keep in your house. Give yourself only one meal per week during which you will eat a small amount of your chosen salty snack food and one meal per week for your sweet snack food.

An example for a salty junk food is having a plain nacho chips with fat-free refried beans, 1oz of reduced-fat, grated cheddar cheese, 4oz of boneless, skinless chicken breast strips seasoned with packaged taco seasoning, some shredded lettuce, and all the Salsa for dinner once a week. And for the sweet junk food is having a large pancake and syrup during Saturday mornings. This will play a major role in busting your belly fat and trimming inches from your waistline.

Belly Fat Busting Tip #4

Another way to bust belly fat is exercise but it doesn't mean to do those dreaded crunches or go work out at the gym. You can do a structured exercise such as walking on a treadmill, going to an aerobics class for half hour to 45 minutes three times a week. Or you could give yourself a couple of projects to do around the house every week such as cleaning the garage, hand-wash the car, or do some work in the yard. Just schedule 1-2 of these kinds of physical projects every week shortly after eating a meal rich in catabolic/fat burning foods, and your results could far out-strip that working out down at the gym.

****************

I've been doing a lot of changing, lifestyle wise and thinking wise. So I am going to keep posting about it and hopefully start helping you guys reach your goals too.

Bev

up and down, up and down

2010-07-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

This summer sure hit off with a bang. I embarked on a trip to International Music Camp for the third year in a row to study Drama/Improv with some amazing instructors from Iowa. I absolutely loved camp this year; usually, I end up wanting to go home mid-week and feel a bit out of place. This year, it was great and it made me think a ton about my future.

My whole life I've wanted to go into medicine, and I know how difficult that dream is to achieve. After highschool, I planned to drop every arts program I'm involved in except for voice lessons. Camp this year made me realise that I can still keep up some theatre courses and still do biology. I have a lot of time and I can still realise my dreams. What is the rush? I want to love university and I think the only way I could do that is if I stayed in theatre, even just a few classes. I still have a few months to change my mind!

Another thing about this summer, I've been crossing off things on my bucket list like crazy! I've also read three and a half out of the seven books, which are:

1. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
2. Catalyst - Laurie Halse Anderson
3. Truth in Comedy (it's an improvizational theatre handbook) - Charna Halpern, Del Close, Kin "Howard" Johnson

So, I got a job! I already had a job at a law office, where I was a legal secretary, and after my boss told me how much he wanted me to work this summer, he suddenly decided that I may not be needed after all. I felt very screwed over, so I printed some fresh resumes and handed them off to businesses in my area. At Perkins, I got an interview on the spot, and today I found I am now their newest employee. I am working now as a hostess and my first day is tomorrow!

I found out something about myself as well this summer, since I've had a lot of time off to sit and reflect. I'm a very 'make it happen' person when it comes to schoolwork and jobs, but not really in any other respects. When I want to see someone, I tell them, but I never make the plans. I expect to get invited places. I try to exercise, but I always make excuses. If you saw me at school, you'd think I was an anti-procrastinator. But at home, I so am.
So I've decided to change that! I've been calling people up to see them, setting goals (and PLANNING to accomplish them - we'll talk more in a few weeks) and trying to better my life. I read this fantastic article today from a website I just found out about called LifeHack. It's called '42 Practical Ways to Improve Yourself'. The ideas are so interesting and simple, yet they are things most people don't even think about doing. My motto this summer has been 'just do it!' and although it is a struggle sometimes, it's mostly going well.

Overall, my summer has had some very highs and a few lows, and I am looking forward to the rest!

Poetry coming soon!

Bev

summer bucket list!

2010-06-18T08:00:00.001-07:00

I am stealing this idea from my friend Tatiana.

This is my summer bucket list for 2010! Things I want to do before summer 'kicks the bucket'. i desperately hope I do all of them!

1. become great friends with a stranger.
2. build a sandcastle.
3. fly my parrot kite. (yes, I have a parrot kite!)
4. paint.
5. walk my dog at least once, alone, for over an hour. (I never do this by myself, it just doesn't happen!)
6. film some covers for youtube
7. save at least a grand.
8. see at least 5 improv shows.
9. look up and practice clarinet.
10. listen to my iPod, Ophelia, a ridiculous amount.
11. read at least 7 books, each with different types/styles/genres.
12. bake and decorate cupcakes.
13. pull an all-nighter (i do not care if they are overrated! I haven't had one in three years.)
14. take part in a bonfire.
15. go for a short, safe run (i have a bad knee.)
16. picnic.
17. ride my bike at least once!
18. prepare a meal.

Hopefully I will think of a few more ideas before summer officially starts, which in my mind is thursday, after my chemistry exam.

love,

bev

on the wild sea

2010-06-11T17:22:00.001-07:00

on the wild sea
Originally uploaded by breakthenumb

i went to ITALY and FRANCE in March! and I never posted the pictures. Go to my flickr to see them! (click on this picture as the link)

Enjoy :)

they say

2010-06-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

They say feelings are good to get out. That nothing should be bottled up.
But what if you feel 800 million things at once and you don't know who to talk to about them?

Sometimes you just need that one person who will listen no matter what. Someone you know won't judge you. Someone who will answer when you call.

It's like Ash and Pikachu, a beautiful relationship. Ash is more than Pikachu's caretaker; he's his best friend, his brother, his mentor.

Maybe that's a bad example.

I have people to talk to. People who will listen. But most of the time, I feel like a bother and don't want to disrupt their lives. And that can be a good thing, but it can be a bad thing as well.

I think I just want to be someone's Pikachu - no lies, no getting sick of each other... just friends, just loving what they have.
Pick one person, and you're done for life.

Maybe that's impossible.
or maybe I'm just a silly teenage girl.

judgment

2010-06-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people aren't friends with others because of the things they've 'heard' about them, such as they're 'weird' or 'dress badly'. I honestly hate that. When other people make judgements for you and you always listen to them, it stops you from growing as a person and meeting new people.

I think the most important thing we can do as human beings is grow, develop and be free of the things that hold us back.

Tommy Douglas, Named Greatest Canadian of All Time in 2004 by CBC once said:
"We should never, never be afraid or ashamed about dreams. The dreams won’t all come true; we won’t always make it; but where there is no vision a people perish.Where people have no dreams and no hopes and aspirations, life becomes dull and a meaningless wilderness."

remember that!

this snow-covered world is blanketed with beauty

2010-02-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

I often find in the winter I can't seem to keep myself happy. Sure, there are a lot of things to do that I enjoy, but I seem to get bogged down with them and find myself too busy to cope with the repercussions of the season.

And although I received some news yesterday that is making life difficult to look forward to at the moment, I know deep down that there are things I can do to make myself happy, and there are SOME cool things I am looking forward to:

Performing in Chicago the musical
Seeing GREG MACPHERSON in April
Going to Brandon in March, as well as various places in Canada, France and Italy during Spring Break!
Getting my driver's license! (hopefully soon!)

Isn't this beautiful? I will be there at the end of March!

I made a Last.fm account! my user is:
www.last.fm/user/umbrellamayhem
adddddd meeeeee!

kate nash lyrics. I am in love with her.

"Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother’s wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women."

Lemony Snicket

LOVE,

Bev

because people just like to assume things.

2010-02-04T15:37:00.000-08:00

This blog today is just a short story for you. It may seem immature at first but it has a lesson in the end.

This Monday, I was in concert band class when Jason*** (the alto saxophone player who sits to my right) sees me using my new Blackberry. He says to me, "You know, people with Blackberries are social whores. But for you, I should take out the word 'social'."

I was quite offended, readers, but I just shrugged it off because Jason enjoys making rude comments to me. So I just laughed and ignored it.

The next thing that happened was that our band teacher, Mr. Coreman*** handed back pieces of music we had played earlier at our winter concert. On my specific stand was the exact piece I had originally played, with my notes and markings on it and everything. Jason looks at his piece. His piece is missing sections. He looks at my paper. My paper is perfect. He switches the papers in front of my eyes.

"Jason. What are you doing? Give me my piece back please!" I say calmly.
"Uh, no."
"Seriously. Give it back."
"Umm, no! it's the same thing."
"That was my music and I want it back - it's not the same. Please give me back my music."
"Since I see this bothers you, I'm never giving it back."
"Jason. Please."
"No! Go cry and write on your blog about this and change the names of everyone like you always do. (note to reader: never before have I done this in this way.)"
"Why would I do that, that's ridiculous."
"Go home and f--- your boyfriend."

and so on.

So as you can see, I was quite in a fluster but laughing because of how ridiculous Jason was being. But I was willing to let it go.

Next, Mr. Coreman hands out a new piece. On my stand is a beautiful sheet of music. On Jason's stand is a beautiful sheet of music. So I say, (a tad immaturely, mind you) "Jason! Want to know what's fair?" and I innocently switch our identical pieces of music.

He is so overcome by rage that he switches the pieces back and knocks over my music stand in one fell swoop of his mighty fist.

I am so mad I am shaking at this point.

I have to pick up all my fallen music in front of the entire quiet class of 60+.

I am livid.

So I pick it up. I sit back down. I play the song, and I play the cues**.

Jason (of course) angrily whispers, "What the hell are you doing. You're not supposed to be playing the cues!"
I whisper, "I can do whatever the hell I want to. This is written in my part. Look!" (I point to where some past student had written in the word 'play'.)
"Stop playing!"
"Shut up Jason. Shut the f--- up." (I am never this mad, guys.)

Band class ends. I'm not looking at him, instead, I am focusing my attention forward and taking deep breaths. He turns to me and says,
"Next rehearsal, you better be more focused and not an annoying little b----."
He left the room.

-------

***: name change
**: cue notes are smaller, optional notes written in pieces of music. They are played when a band doesn't have a sufficient amount of a certain instrument playing that part, and they need another section to cover it. For example, a clarinet may have flute cues to play if there aren't enough flutes to play the part.

---------
Well, "Jason", I decided to prove you right. I am very immature, irresponsible and just a genuinely bad person, so I just had to blog about this like you said. Hope you're okay with that pal!

goodbye, notebook number 6

2010-02-03T19:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted much recently, so I'm sorry for that if any people actually read this and care what I have to say! moving on... those of you who know me, I keep a notebook with me at all times. In it, I write everything my little heart desires inside. Some things I particularly like, or feel are 'important', I share here, online. Here it is!

I need to stop being brave and shut the fuck up.

I want you to need me twice as much as I need you.

she had the world in the palm of her right hand:
she listened to those who hated the light
so she closed her fist.

you swallow me like sweet smoke
I course through your arteries;
a disease you do not acknowledge.

I am the breath you take while you are asleep, the
words your eyes skip on the page of your favourite book
the melody you have searched for
buried deep within the radio of your skin

your unseeing eyes, so beautiful are
locked
on mine
you
blink

do not look away.

You pull me under and I cannot breathe. I cannot let go of you. You are the release from the tight hold on my lungs. You are the freedom from the ache, the grasp that I need to pull me to shore; my naked, aching feet on safe land. You are all these things, but you do not acknowledge them. Instead, you let me stay under. Instead, you let me drown.

she was swollen as if she were
a red balloon of flesh and sweet breath
ripped from his wounds.
a lovely disease,
he found comfort in her mistakes
she grew life from him
branching out endlessly from her creator,
draining and fulfilling all of the
empty places
from which she sucked.

held between similar lips
she branched away;
as one they grew
as one they lived
as one they were still

i once felt electricity in the form of touch. An ancient man:
his gnarled fingers were thick with age
and cold, with knuckles
that had braved things I never wished to imagine.
skin upon skin, the clashing temperatures buzzed with
life had made my toes shiver deep within my boots -
he passed the energy to me of countless memories.
he felt he had done the greatest charity,
he smiled at me: a wicked
toothy thing that caused my happy? lungs to burst open

you were once a stranger.

held between two truths
the sheets you use
to cover you in sleep. I

was there
my mouth and eyes shut tight
so none of my regrets
could escape
threading themselves into the fabric
so touchable and safe. I

do not want you to hear these
just keep them safe
for me

compare your love to mine, all it does is grow.

boy with common face and
common eyes, a common
name
full of blood and lungs
you breathe and move like the rest of us
how extraordinary you are

you held onto my heart like a fact
80 bpm
two ventricles, two atria
your burning words

all statistics on my heart
you can't just erase the facts?

breathing you are is
breathing a breath of air that
never stops, just moves through you, cleaning out every place full of longing
sadness, anger,
dread, fear and hate. every cell refueled with kind hopes and positive affirmations and
the blue sky in july when the breeze is just right on your sweltering skin and
you look so beautiful,
so beautiful today
please just let me
breathe you in

genuine

2010-01-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

I guesssss I feel like blogging is sort of a waste of time, just because everything I've ever wanted to say is on here, and everything else isn't important.

My life is awesome, and I have to remind myself that sometimes.

I definitely still will post my poetry on here, and pictures. Which reminds me, by the way, I got a new camera for Christmas! it's very cute, and will work well when I go to France and Italy spring break (it definitely hasn't set in yet!)

-------------

Genuine.
What does that word even mean?
People tell me that there are 'genuinely good people' in this world. But who constitutes what genuine means? Is there even such a thing as a genuine person?

There are always going to be people with ulterior motives lurking around. The only way to measure genuinity (yes, it's a word...) is to find it in your self. So my question for you is:

Are you a genuine person? Do you always keep your promises and stick to what you say? Do you have ideals that you hold true to your heart?

That's really all I've got to say today. Maybe I'll post again soon.

I'm just being honest.

2009-12-10T17:22:00.001-08:00

WARNING : this gets bad to worse. There is a lot of language. I've never used language on my blog. I am in a bad mood, but a constructive mood as well. Please forgive me, and learn from my anger.

Sometimes I lose complete inspiration to do anything, because I feel like whatever I say doesn't really matter since it's already been said.
Everything is cliché, every emotion felt billions of times; these feelings aren't new, they're just recycled in different sides of the same situation that has happened millions of times before.
Even this is recycled. How many people have questioned originality? everyone does.
I guess the whole thing about being 'unique' and 'special' are just lies to make you feel like you have something to contribute to the world.
Maybe I do, maybe what I say based off of what someone else has said to me will influence you to feel a different way about the world - a perspective that will change again, with the influence of something else.

I guess in this whole jumbled up mess, we can ask ourselves one question: is there even a point?
and for myself - yes. Yes, there is a point for me. I just haven't really found it yet.

Is it any wonder I'm always feeling so disconnected? I can't rely on myself to feel better about anything. And for someone so 'independent' (such a lose term, there is no such thing) as myself, it pisses me off and causes self-pity.

Pitying yourself is the most pointless thing you can do. Doing that is like saying, "okay, world. I'm gonna waste time right now and cry about a situation I didn't do anything to change. I'm going to cry because you suck, and I'm on this planet, and I don't want you to suck but you do. And I'm not changing that for myself, because I am a whiny little bitch."

That is what self-pity is. I do it all the time. I loathe myself for pitying myself. It's the most vicious cycle, and maybe one day I'll escape it.

But there's another problem right there - this whole 'maybe one day I'll do such and such' idea. People waste entire LIVES waiting for some far-off mystical day to come. And that day won't if you're waiting for it! so give up and just change now! but how can change be accomplished in an instant? can it even? what is change? what is this idea of something 'different' happening all of a sudden?

Einstein once said that insanity is doing something that exact same way over and over and expecting a different result each time. By that definition, aren't most people insane? I've spent time on people, asking them why things are the way they are. They say, 'things'll be different, I promise'. WHEN? when is ANYTHING going to be different if you just say they will?

I'm sounding like a freaking self-help book here. But that's the thing - I want to help myself. I want to get out of this cage of flesh I am living in, this stage in my life where doing anything that isn't expected of myself is wrong.

warning 2: I do not think I know everything. In fact, I freely admit I am very naive. However, these are things that I see are 'wrong' mostly with myself, but with a lot of people in my life and I am going to share them with you, hopefully changing your views on society just a LITTLE bit.

STEPS TO RECOVERY/BEING A BETTER PERSON/FUNCTIONING IN SOCIETY WITHOUT BEING A LITTLE BITCH:

- stop complaining about all of life's stresses, unless you have a reason
Have you seen children in third world countries? they're not happy either. Go cry a river.

Explanation:

Okay, okay. Everyone has problems and every problem can feel monumental. & you want to cry about it (I know I do, a hell of a lot.) But you see other people, you see their issues (AIDS, poverty, weather-destroyed homes) and they have it worse. And it doesn't make you feel any better because here you are, crying about a bad grade in math class when someone else doesn't have any food to eat. You feel pathetic, and even selfish because you're crying for some tiddly little reason while Paco over here has cancer, a rabid dog, no family and no food for din din.

my semi-solution:
a) don't complain to someone like Paco, they'll think you're a fool.
b) cry in the privacy of your own home, or loved one, and not for too long. Just get it all out of you at once, in one great cathartic cry.
c) don't sweat the small stuff. Do things that make you happy, like math:

Your life ~(i'm pretty sure this sign means 'more or less') 90 years.
for example, in this lifetime you live one whole year (these are moments over the ninety added together) depressed, sad, stressed, confused, hurt, alone and disgruntled.

This means that you lose a year of happiness! that's a year to smile, a year to love, a year to laugh, a year to meet someone who changes your life. Sadness = a waste of time. As silly as that sounds, being sad is one of the biggest time wasters ever. I'd rather just do something fun then sulk around at home, waiting for someone to care about me.

d) donate to a lot of charities. I'm serious! for every problem you overcome, put a dollar in a jar. Send the contents of the jar to the charity of your choice. You're helping them because you helped yourself. Maybe this is a stupid idea, but I don't know - it actually sounds pretty cool to me.

everyone gets their chance to be happy, even Paco! Congrats on your wedding!

- don't tell anyone you're going to change if you're unsure how/why/when.

Explanation:

I read (in Cosmo, embarrassingly enough) recently that telling people your goals make you a hell of a lot less likely to accomplish them. Why? because you're doing it for them, for what they expect, not yourself - and you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you fail and have to let them know that. Goals are so much more meaningful when they are internalized, because then once they are accomplished you can shout it out to the whole freaking world if you want, instead of going around one by one and bragging to each person you told your initial goal to.
(that's another pet peeve - braggers. I swear to God, if you're "talented" then prove it. Don't walk around like you're better than someone - no one is better than anyone. Not even the Queen. Think about it, she's human. I bet she even has G.I system troubles. That's right.)

- don't wrongfully guilt trip others.
GOOD LORD, THIS IS A BIG ONE.
Guilt tripping someone purposely is like saying, 'Wow, you're not going to do what I want. Really? I thought you were a nice person but since you're not listening to me, you must be the biggest bitch ever. Wanna explain to me then why aren't you doing what I want you to do? why are you living your life in happiness when I'm so freaking pissed off because I didn't get my way/life sucks right now for me/you promised me something* and went back on it??????????????????? HUH?????"

honestly, you just sound freaking crazy when you guilt-trip others. Just go play yahtzee (sp?) or something.

a) *if someone promises you something and doesn't go through with it, that was a dick move. Dick move = idiotic friend. Idiotic friend = someone you don't want to be around. Someone you don't want to be around = trust issues.
YOU ARE GOING TO GET TRUST ISSUES IF YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE WHO MAKE PROMISES AND BREAK THEM, OVER AND OVER. (once again, Einstein was right, I AM insane because I have done this and I'm sure you have too.)

b) if you feel like the only way you can get what you want is by making people feel guilty, and so you do this on a regular basis, you will soon realize you will have no friends.

Explanation:

I am a good friend. I know I am, and if someone wants me to do something for them, within reason, I will almost always go the extra mile and help out. But if I can't no matter what, or if I take too long, or if by accident I had other plans, don't make me feel bad. I tried my best. If you're not happy, you shouldn't have asked me - you should have done it yourself or had a back up plan. I know this sounds a little conceited, but I am someone you can rely on. So if I mess up, it was an honest mistake. And I promise you, I will feel insanely guilty for it. So be a freaking good friend, tell me that it's okay, and don't tell me if you've lost any trust in me. Because accidents happen; we're all humans, folks.

I hope this sounds good to you, cause it sounds excellent to me.

- Don't go back on your word.

if you're going to go back on your word, don't speak.
ever. Cause that's just being a freaking asshole.
If you must go back on your word, be nice. Explain why. Don't expect the world to just 'get' you and understand your idiotic screw up, because half the world doesn't even get their own selves. Capiche?

- Don't be a hypocrite.

I freely admit I am a huge hypocrite half the time. If you don't admit it, then don't freaking be one.

Noun

S: (n) hypocrite, dissembler, dissimulator, phony, phoney, pretender (a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives)

I hope this makes sense to everyone.

- Don't expect things from others.

(read above section first before starting on this one. I am a hypocrite.) Expecting people to do things for you is a waste of time, a set up for disappointment and a way to ruin your life. Just do shit on your own. If you need someone's help, trust them first and then ask. If you expect everything to be handed to you, you're gonna go through a hell of a lot of self-pity when things don't work out (and trust me, one day they're NOT going to.)

My biggest issue is this exact one, but when it comes to Love. TRUE LOVE has no expectations, right? Because love gives and gives, it is "ever giving of itself". If this is the case, why is it husbands and wives sit around waiting for their sigoth (significant other) to make them feel special? If you Love (capital L here guys) your sigoth, then show them. If you wait around for them to show you, you're "selfish" (in quotes because you aren't really 'selfish', just a bit foolish in this situation) because you're not spreading the Love you already have. And if you're giving and giving and never getting, if you really Love the person then you should be okay with it. If you're not okay with this, then you should be with someone else who can give you what you 'need' (i.e attention) because you should never feel unfulfilled in a relationship, no matter how small it is.

If you're in a relationship that isn't helping you grow in Love, or that doesn't make you feel satisfied, or a relationship that doesn't test your strength, will and faith, you should rethink or redefine the way you see Love and the way the relationship is. Come to your partner with a new state of mind, and change the way things are if you're not happy.

I think people's biggest mistakes are staying with something that produces no results, that doesn't turn their crank, that doesn't fulfill them. An even bigger mistake is being in this situation and thinking that one day it'll all change. Remember: if you're expecting something different one day, that day won't come unless you bring it to yourself. Otherwise, you'll spend your life hoping, waiting, wishing and being unfulfilled.

- Don't be a poser/poseur.
poseur: a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not.

I desperately hope that makes sense. Everyone is called a poser at one point in their life. If you are one consistently, maybe you should look around you and ask these questions:

Am I doing what I truly enjoy?
If I didn't have friends who were interested in this activity, how would I feel about it?
Is this my passion?
If the person who influenced this behaviour/activity wasn't around, would I still take part in it?

pikachu is NOT a poser. Pikachu is awesome.

This mutant IS a poser. He/She/It is no Pikachu. Pikachu is a Japanese animated character, not a real life living rat thing.

- Don't think you have all the answers

you don't. i don't. einstein don't. the end.

I hope this helped in some way. Writing this out helped me a TON. I fall guilty to a lot of these things that I wrote about, and they are traits I cannot stand and loathe in myself - but I am working on them. Remember, above all, to Love yourself and help others. The rest will fall into place.

LOVE,

Bev

do yourself a favour

2009-11-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

i watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
you don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
and it's all that i can hear, it's more than i can bare

what if i fall and hurt myself?
would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself?
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am,
would you please remind me oh?
cause without you things go hazy

i watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
you don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
and it's all that i can hear, it's more than i can bare

what if i fall and hurt myself?
would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself?
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am,
would you please remind me oh?
cause without you things go hazy

what if i fall and hurt myself?
would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself?
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am,
would you please remind me oh?
cause without you things go hazy

Thanks to Robyn and Katie for showing this to me. <3

Civalias (also known as Adam Stidham)

see the colors in your face like the paintings that you hang
But only you can read your mind
You don’t believe me when I say that your smile makes my day
A little better every time

And I just don’t know what else to do
I can’t think of anything but you

I thought I had you figured out, well I should’ve shut my mouth
Because now you’ve turned and walked away
I know I promised you a song, and I know it’s been real long
So here’s the heartbreak that you need

And I just don’t know what else to do
I can’t think of anything but you, but you

There’s a cold blooded wave running through your veins
Straight into your heart
But there’s nothing left to say, oh no, it’s much to late
Because you took it all, you took it all away

And I just don’t know what else to do
I can’t think of anything but you
I wish I knew it wasn’t true
I can’t think of anything but you
Oh, anything but you

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there’s always cups in the sink?
What if I’m not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win?
Chase you will the rolling pin?
Well, What if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making passes
And I am giving up on half empty glasses
And I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up.

What if our baby goes in after nine?
What if your eyes close before mine?
What if you loose yourself sometimes?
And ill be the one to find you safe in my heart

Cause I am giving up on making passes
And I am giving up on half empty glasses
And I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving…

Cause I am giving up.
(I am giving up)
and I am giving up
(I am giving up)
And I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
For you
Oh, I am giving up.
For you.
Oh, I am giving up.

thanks for reading everyone :)

this leads to teenage pregnancy

2009-11-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO.

inspired

2009-11-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been feeling like there are so many things out there I could be learning and doing and dreaming and wishing and thinking about and talking about and sharing and loving and regretting and enjoying. So many things out there that I'm not doing, that I could be doing, that could make me happier.

because that's the point, for me at least.
the point of my life is to be content and enjoy the way things are, and to help others find that in themselves too.

There is a quote by Carl Sagan that I absolutely adore with everything I have. It could be sad, but it also could be hopeful too.

we are like butterflies
who flutter for a day
and think it is forever.
- carl sagan

We think we have so much time on Earth because none of us have ever experience death, none of us know what it is like not to be alive. And in the human sort of way, we do have a lot of time. Our society is built around only having 90 years to live, so in that way we have tons of opportunities to fulfill our dreams. However, in the grand scheme of things, each of our lives is less than a blink of an eye, a great cosmic energy that opens and closes in the relative way that everything does.

That doesn't make me sad. I think dying is the point, because if we didn't die, there wouldn't be much of a reason to make your life meaningful, for yourself or for others.

I have 90 or so years (could be much shorter, or longer) to live on this Earth. I have 90 years to make someone smile, to be someone's favourite person, to be someone's reason to wake up in the morning; a reason to dream and think and create and inspire.

I feel like this is only the beginning.

oh me, oh my, my heart

2009-11-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Is it okay to admit you're scared sometimes?

My biggest fear is getting my hopes up. I do it all the time. I am so excited for something, so ready for the future moment, and then - nothing. It doesn't happen, it falters and it just sucks.

In order to counter-balance this common happenstance, I try really hard not to get my hopes up, but then doing that makes that cathartic moment not as amazing because I think about how it could've easily NOT happened, and how I would have survived.

I guess this is all a matter of what I want to happen. Do I get hurt, over and over again, for that one perfect, beautiful moment? or do I just stay numb to everything?

Life is a funny thing, when what you want and what you have are the same things.

I wish I had that back again.

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

— Theodore Isaac Rubin

Potential

2009-10-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

I used to be afraid of people.

Everyone would scare me. Something in them, perhaps. Maybe potential - potential to be amazing, potential to harm me, potential to change my life for the better. Potential could change everything.

Potential scared me. Everyone has potential, it's something easily seen and if the potential I had wasn't near the potential you had (either positively or negatively) I'd clam up, I'd feel awkward, I'd freeze. I was afraid of people because I wasn't sure of the potential I had inside myself.

This whole talk about being afraid of people stemmed from a concert I went to the other night with my cousin. Bahamas, an amazing folk rock singer-songwriter from Toronto, opened for the main act. I had never heard such simply beautiful music. PLEASE check him out.

(this is my favourite song by him performed live, not the best quality ever)

After the show, I got to meet him (and take pictures!) I wish I could show you, but the picture is on her camera and isn't uploaded to my computer as of yet.

Usually, meeting someone so insanely fabulous (he got a standing ovation, that's how amazing it was - did I mention he was the guitarist for Feist? yes, this guy is good) would make me super nervous, but I wasn't! I was actually just really happy I got to shake his hand and have him autograph my CD.

After the show, my cousin and I sat outside. This venue is in a super sketchy area of town, and there were homeless people around. A man I would normally be afraid of approached us and asked for money. I didn't have any on me, and being a young girl would usually intimidate me.. but I wasn't. I didn't see him as a waste of space, or a creep... I saw him as a human being, down on his luck, someone who needed 11 dollars to sleep at the Salvation Army for the night.

This whole business made me reflect on how much I had grown up over the years.
Now, I am glad I am not afraid of anyone. Sure, I can be intimidated at times, but then I remember - we are all human beings.

Love,

Bev

calendar girl, all alone in the world, stay alive

2009-10-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

The truth is that life is delicious, horrible, charming, frightful, sweet, bitter, and that is everything.

– Anatole France

I Remember, Nikki Giovanni

i remember learning you jump
in your sleep and smile
when you wake up

at first you cuddle
then one arm across my stomach
then one leg touching my leg then
you turn your back

but you smile when you wake up

i was surprised to know you don’t care
if your amp burns all night and that you could
play ohmeohmy over and over again just
because you remembered

i discovered you don’t like hair
in your bathroom sink and never step
your wet feet onto a clean rug

you will answer your phone
but you don’t talk too long and you do
rub my toes and make faces
while you talk
and your voice told her anyway
that i was there

you can get up at three and make sandwiches
and orange juice and tell jokes
you sometimes make incoherent sentence
you snore
and you smile when you wake up

i know you cry when you’re hurt
and curse when you’re angry
and try when you don’t feel
like it and smile at me
when you wake up

these things i learned through
a simple single touch
when fleshes clashed

dear you,
have you decided what you wanted yet
or do you just want to drag me down
to the bottom where i once lived for months?
i am already used to this.
i already know what getting hurt is like.
i already know the lesson you are inadvertently trying to teach -
don't trust anybody

dear you,
i want you to be happy
i want you to be safe
i want you to be free
and if that means without me
then it means that i need to move on
and if it means with me
then you need to get in gear
because i hate trying to figure you out all the time

dear you,
i could love you
~~but i don't.~~

the rest of my life

2009-10-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

I should apologize for not posting anything interesting in a long time, but hey, I'm a busy girl these days. It's scary knowing that I am getting older and so close to approaching university and the rest of my life (everywhere I go I hear these words, as if it's some secret place everyone is scared to venture to.)

Lately, I've been wanting to branch out. I feel like everything I know is the tiniest fraction of what I could know, and it frustrates me! the worst part is, since I don't have a job and I have insane library fees, I can't read any cool and intellectually stimulating books! oh, the horror.

TODAY, i had a crazy blast from the past.
a) it made me feel good because I didn't feel anything.
b) it made me upset because I lost such a big part of my life and the best thing ever turned into the worst thing ever.
c) it reminded me I have to burn some memories... apparently burning them will help them go away, out of sight, out of mind (just like today)

When I think about this whole situation, I want to slap myself. Seriously. What the HELL was I thinking?!

ugh, ugh, UGH!

good news? I made A plus (!!!!) honour roll. My good friend rae took some stellar pics of me for a photoshoot! :)

(click the picture for the link to her blog, where you can see more of this shoot)

(click this one for the link to her more personal but still quite glam blog)

photography is awesome with friends!

PEACE.
Bev

goodbye, notebook number six!

2009-09-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

if you've been reading my blog for a while, you would know that I carry a notebook around with me everywhere. In it, I put things I think, feel, dream and create. At the end of the notebook, I post some of my favourite things on my blog. Here we go.

A very mushy love letter I'd like to receive:

I love you like I love the rain, when the sky is high and hot and dry and my throat is tight and cracked and cool, when I hear your name it's the cup of raindrops to my heavy mouth and chapped lips, the words I need to hear before I am allowed to speak, or think, or feel it's the place I can hide in, roll around in, sleep in until your voice and hair and lips and eyes can crash over me again, pulling me into a sea of you and raindrops and endless words in a jumble my mind can only decipher when you are around because I love you I love you I love you like that and only this way - endlessly, like rain that will always keep falling from eternal perfect mouths called clouds that'll always and forever carry the rain that will set us free together.

saying you're sorry for breaking up with someone is like apologizing for pushing a poor, helpless soul down an elevator shaft. Sure you feel bad that it'll hurt like hell when they get to the bottom, but it was the only way you could've killed them quickly and efficiently, without too much mess for you to deal with later. So why apologize if you made the right choice and saved yourself trouble?

your voice is music I want to dive into
your voice speaks my name like an ancient language
dusty and beautiful
fireworks on the tongue

bravery is measured here
by the colour of your hair
of how many times
they don't find out you lied
how to apologize
and not mean a word

TOO COLD.
she'll count the times
she placed her hand close
and he
didn't grab it to hold
(too cold)
her best friend
doesn't talk anymore
about her problems
(too cold)
her mother
doesn't try
it is
(too cold)
so she has a box of wishes
she knows won't come true
but it doesn't hurt to try
says she
and each wish is for warmth
some warmth
to stop the rattling in her chest
and her smooth tears.
(too cold)

his hands were my protectors
saving me from the eternal cold placed into mine.
to speak to him again
would be shooting the sun
with beams of ice.
I watched who I once knew
melt away.

It was a void in the lives we lead.
ourselves,
maskless and brave,
we hid to hide the others chosen by fate to cower.

we are masked now. replenished by fear.
chosen to be hidden by twisted hands,
we are revealed to only those who hide among us.
only those with heavy hearts and locked eyes,
destroyed by a terrified blindness produced in ourselves
can see the regret beneath the stone visage we wear so shallowly upon our features.

the stars in your eyes shone brighter than I ever did.

the place where young is old
and rushing into things was feeling the wind against your cheek
too strongly
where naive meant freedom
freedom meant nothing at all
when hopes were dashed by
a bell
a cry
a phone call
the time and place when time
was only a word and place
was where you always were
where the heart beats for the sun and not another person

your hand once fit into mine
the way algae floats upon teeming lakes
or moss grows thickly
on igneous rock.

I could have kissed you where your knuckles met mine
briefly stinging the life
away from my flesh

he broke all her barriers like toothpicks lined,
row after row
she burned him
like he was flimsy paper
blown away into ash.

they held each other as if they were constant clouds, overlapping.

they hold on and float away
ash and toothpicks lined up like bullets
clouds that cover all the doubts.

you have set fire on my life
the golden trail ablaze all around me.

how many ashes will there be this time?
I don't want to wonder.
I just want you.

his heart is a safely guarded chamber
hers was an un-surveillanced room
his was under lock and thumbprint,
sterile and untouchable
hers has an open door
a hallway with a welcome mat
two chairs
a love-seat
his was cool and dark, it slithered
hers is brightly lit
comfortable.
inside his heart there was ease in the darkness
everything brand new in familiarity
a treasure impossible to break
her heart was a jungle of worn out securities
everything shaky from misuse,
brightly lit yet transparent
plushy and soft;
too much stuffing riddled with holes.

he was not safe and she
finally
felt real.

paper teeth splitting open bleeding tree
light upon a window does not spill
golden folded smiles, hearts of desire
you are a child with me.

frozen dishes unlit candles wax paper
china plates rusty embroidered tea kettles
damaged eye sockets, burnt bulbs
we are family largely wasting away.

(this is when time stops)
your voice, so still behind your lips
attached to all the moving parts
can make another shiver.
your eyes are hard and soft
cutting into my edges
toppling all the strong parts over
strong becomes flimsy
steel into paper, with you
my bones melt into skin
my skin is your skin,
is my skin and we
are one for only a moment
when time doesn't exist.
(this is when time starts again
only it's
different.)

Ophelia

2009-09-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Bonjour tout le monde! (pardon my awful french)

Yesterday I received in the mail my brand new iPod nano! I was so very excited when I saw the mailman put in the post office notice to pick it up. I was even more excited that I didn't have any school, so I could go get her immediately.

Her name is Ophelia (hopefully she won't drown!) and she is a fifth generation purple 16gb nano. I am actually SO happy and already in love with her!

Recently I have been completely updating and rearranging my itunes and discovering my true music 'tastes'. I can no longer listen to the radio without cringing, so it's up to me to find things I really like. Does anyone else have this problem?

My favourite bands at the moment are:
sea wolf
the weakerthans
coldplay
vampire weekend
the weepies

these five especially hold my heart. I am thinking of doing some album reviews.

But all time, I have many favourites that are sometimes hard to keep track of! the more I listen, the more I love.

follow me on twitter! follow me on tumblr!

with faces braver than ever before.

2009-09-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start this blog post with a question. Do you ever feel like you're a sucky person to be around? Like, even though you KNOW you have a lot of friends who love and care about you, you just feel inadequate?
I've definitely been feeling that lately.

When I know an answer in class, I don't raise my hand all the time. I don't know about you, but I just... don't even try. I just listen and try to soak in everything I can, and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. I take nice notes but nice notes aren't going to help you when it's Wednesday morning and you have a quiz to bomb.

I think high school relationships aren't pointless.

I don't want to define it because I won't do it justice. People these days seem to either believe in it or don't, and you can count me a proud member of the former. Most think it's an attachment to someone, something painful to remove but can be done with a little force. I don't think that's the point. I think the removal of yourself from another's life disproves the whole theory of ever being in love in the first place, yet so many people with temporary relationships swear that they were "in love". Could we say that there are two kinds then? the temporary kind and the everlasting kind? or is all love temporary?
I think relationships are all about changing and growing together. And when you grow apart you fall out of love. So maybe the whole point is that you can love someone at the point you were at. You can fall in love with everything about a person at some point in time, and that can change when you change. And everything changes, right?

My definition of love is choosing someone over yourself. Wanting someone else to be happy before you, to the point where it hurts so bad because you want it so much. I think it's possible, hell, I've felt glimpses of that. Even such small ones like the one I've had cause everything to be put into perspective.

is it weird I'm like this too?

we watch the sky with faces braver than ever before
with hearts open wide and minds ready to discover
the world holds open everything we could ever need
and it's our time to explore
with faces braver than ever before.

my eyes can only see you in one way.

2009-09-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling like things have been changing very quickly to the people around me.

For example, a good friend of mine was broken up with her long-term boyfriend and got an amazing job. Those two things are huge! or I see that all of a sudden a person I think is awesome has lost tons of weight, gained confidence and is now doing fabulously. Occasionally I hear upsetting things too about a girl I used to know that is now living in my neighbourhood with an abusive boyfriend. Sometimes close friends get jobs and new friends seem to slip away. Sometimes a person who knew you in every way changes subtly over many months, to the point where you can't even recognize them. And of course, you change too, even if you try with every thing you have not to.

Change is inevitable, but recently it feels like everything is moving so fast. And even though I'm not very far along on the scale of birth to death, life has gotten to the point where sometimes it's unrecognizable. It's moments like those where it feels like everything is slipping away.

"The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still."
- The Weepies, 'The World Spins Madly On'

sorry for the abruptness of this and the length of time between posts! I am back to school and it's been stressful! more blog posts coming faster very soon. I love everyone for commenting on this! it proves there is some interest in my ramblings.

see my tumblr!

I am now an angel.

2009-09-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

I got grounded.
I showed my emotions, and they weren't pleasant. I said some things I shouldn't have said. I threw a fit. I smashed the wall with my fist (you can still see the huge bruise) and now, I am grounded.

I am trapped in my house for the day. I have never been so bored and upset in my life. I did NOT deserve this! I may have been rash but you can blame PMS. You really can. I was hormonal, I was a mess, and I spoke the truth.

All my good friends are going out tonight. Some for an awesome get together, some just to hang out. I've been invited a lot of places and none of them I can go to because I spoke my mind.

School is almost starting and my social life is going to slow down. Why did I have to get grounded the last weekend before school?

I've decided I'm never getting grounded again. No more speaking my mind. No more angry outbursts. If I get mad, I am going to calm down. If I am PMS-ing, I am going to leave the house. No more hurting my family, and none of them hurting me.

Here is an article from one of my favourite websites, WikiHow.

How to Fool Your Parents Into Thinking You're Good

Get into the habit of switching gears. As soon as you come into contact with your parents, switch into the angel gear. Be perfectly innocent, and if you are confronted about doing something bad, deny it and look as innocent as possible, or at least come up with an innocent excuse.
Watch how you act! Act innocent all the time when you're with your parents. Stand up when they come into the room, it looks like you're being overly respectful. This will get them thinking you've got great manners. Smile sweetly whenever they say anything to you. Act like you wish you could spend all your time with them. Suggest family get-togethers on Saturday nights, and then cancel at the last minute if you don't want to do it. (Although you have to act extremely disappointed for it to work)
Tell your close friends what you're doing. Picture this: You're mom comes in and says asks you to clear the table, and you say, "Oh, sure thing, Mom. Be right down, okay?" Your friend looks at you and says, "Why are you being such a kiss-up?" UH-OH! Your mom would immediately know you were putting it on. You have to make sure your friends know that you're faking respect for your parents. And let them know that they should be really respectful to your parents, too. If they act like an angel around your parents, too, your mom and dad will think that your friends have been having a good influence on you because they're perfectly innocent, too.
Make sure you know everything about being good! From being polite at dinner, being polite, look girly, manners, smiling and talking nicely! Forget these rules when your parents are away! Remember the angel, devil switch!

Don't do your chores when your told, do them when your parents are thinking about something else apart from weather you've washed the dishes or tidyed your roomDad, how was your day?" and "So Mom, what are you planning to do today?". Don't interrup other people when they are speaking. 'Angels don't do that!
Do not tell your brother/sister that you are faking respect! Chances are, if they are younger, they'll go and tell or if they are older, they might blackmail you! Be kind to your siblings to, and offer them drinks of water sometimes. Be as kind to them as you would to your parents.

Keep the manners on a high!
No swearing! Angels don't swear. (At least not in front of their parents, when they're trying to look innocent)
Don't lie to your parents, even if you are trying to be innocent. Chances are, they'll find out and then that would blow the whole thing for you.
Remember to make curfew. Stay out and party hard with your friends, but make it home on time!
Don't let anything slip! The last thing you need is your parents finding out you are putting it all on.
Don't tell your parents you're going one place and then go somewhere else. That always seems to backfire. Chances are, they'll call you when you are meant to be at a friends sleepover and you'll be in the middle of a party with people screaming all around. They'll find out sooner or later!!!
If your parents know that you haven't been "good" lately, don't change overnight! Don't act so good they would think it's fake! They will know somthing's not right!
be afraid. if ur afraid of ur parents then you'll usually be nicer
DO YOUR HOMEWORK! If you don't do your homework, your parents will think you're not a good kid.

maybe it'll work.

friends in high places

2009-08-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

Yesterday was the first nice day out here in Central Canada in a long time. This whole summer has been drizzly, spitty, cold and just plain awful. I haven't even gone swimming yet, and school is starting in three weeks!

Here is what I've been up to in the last three days!

a rainbow outside the local McDonald's !

Leo, the puppy! he's leaving Bryce's house (her mom has been breeding them) tuesday. It's so sad to see the five of them go. Especially this one, he's so cute!

Bryce at starbucks!
The barista made us a venti strawberries & creme frappucino but had extra so she gave us another one in a tall cup, no extra charge!

here was our free tall frap. She even put whipped cream on it!

(2)

Stephanie came over the next day and got gum in her hair! I had to cut it out for her.

what a fun week!

**

If you like fun, english-sounding music with interesting lyrics and catchy hooks, I seriously suggest Vampire Weekend. I borrowed the CD from a new friend and it was amazing. I still have all their songs stuck in my head and I haven't listened in a couple days.

Vampire Weekend
(I suggest Mansard Roof or M79 to get a feel for them)

Love,

Bev

life and love can be scary

2009-08-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

Unwritten Law, Louise Glück

Interesting how we fall in love:
in my case, absolutely. Absolutely, and, alas, often—
so it was in my youth.
And always with rather boyish men—
unformed, sullen, or shyly kicking the dead leaves:
in the manner of Balanchine.
Nor did I see them as as versions of the same thing.
I, with my inflexible Platonism,
my fierce seeing of only one thing at a time:
I ruled against the indefinite article.
And yet, the mistakes of my youth
made me hopeless, because they repeated themselves,
as is commonly true.
But in you I felt something beyond the archetype—
a true expansiveness, a buoyance and love of the earth
utterly alien to my nature. To my credit,
I blessed my good fortune in you.
Blessed it absolutely, in the manner of those years.
And you in your wisdom and cruelty
gradually taught me the meaninglessness of that term.

this poem, well.. it's scary. It's what I don't want to happen to me, but just might when I look back on all these years that are supposed to be 'the best of years of our lives'.

Sometimes I sit and I think to myself about how much I hate labels.

If someone is your "boyfriend", what is next? 'fiance'? 'ex-boyfriend'? there are only two options.

Say you become engaged. What's next? 'spouse'? 'ex-fiance'?

If someone is your "spouse", what is next? 'divorce'? 'death'?

I HATE LABELS, but I think it's because I hate the thought of being temporary. It freaks me out, it's like I can only make one small impression on a life and then I am gone from it, because what I have to offer can't last for longer than a couple of months.

I know the idea of having 'The One' is "outdated", but sometimes I wish to God it wasn't because it is a beautiful concept and I honestly wouldn't mind being with someone for a lifetime. Knowing a person you love is always there and trusting in that with everything you have is so beautiful.. and so difficult to do in this day and age. The media has distorted everything to the point where nothing matters anymore. Holding hands on a beautiful night in front of a river doesn't mean anything because we're not all over each other, exploring our bodies (says MTV and Cosmo and every other teen influence out there). It means nothing, and that fact is not only sad but a little scary. I'm not very old and I'm already 'expected' to have done so much when I have no wish or reason to.

I wish society didn't have any pre-set unspoken expectations in relationships, even if I don't follow them. I can just feel the pressure sometimes, and boy can it be uncomfortable.

How about this. Do things when you are ready. Don't label what you have right off the bat; that only leads to later confusion. Talk things out and be sure about something before you do it, and be positive you know what you are doing.

Three cheers for being okay with a first kiss on the 9th date!

Love,

Bev

catch my disease

2009-08-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

These are two pictures I took the other day of my beautiful cousin, Robyn!

They were edited slightly, and even though I am not a fan of editing, I absolutely love them!

:) here is my flickr, it's not very good yet.

Playlist of the Day:

Catch My Disease - Ben Lee

Garden That You Planted - Sea Wolf

The World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Blue in Green - Miles Davis

Message For You Rudy - The Specials

creative endeavours.

2009-08-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

My Last Few Weeks.
By Bev.

my goals list.

an unfinished collage on a new bulletin board.

a close-up of the collage.

(2)

(3)

(4)

my brand new music stand!

Reading "Catcher In The Rye" by J.D Salinger!

My nails done by a 7 year old!

earrings I wore today on top of a notebook I renovated.

a quote from inside the notebook.

(2)

The outside of the notebook.

***

are you the shipwreck or the shore?

2009-08-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about you last night, remembering what it all was like. The pieces that have changed fit together again, and maybe it is a good thing I saw them like how they were. I saw you how we were once, perfect and secret and whole and it made me realize that things change. Even people who I trusted not to.

---------

“ Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it’s best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It’s like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won’t give you any. Maybe he’s got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he’s being reasonable from his point of view. So don’t hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It’s ice cream or nothing? Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts. Joey Comeau

--------

I just finished this book yesterday, it's called 'This Lullaby' by Sarah Dessen. She writes teenage-romance novels, and I wouldn't call it super phony, because it's not, but there are some parts that are a little cliche. It don't make no nevermind to me, I'm still enjoying this book a ton.

"Raised by a mother who's had five husbands, eighteen-year-old Remy believes in short-term, no-commitment relationships until she meets Dexter, a rock band musician."

----

I'm really loving Chloe Hall!
She's a twenty-something singer from Australia, and she's actually really good. If you like folk/acoustic/soft pop, listen to this (her free album streamed from her website) my favourite song is Shipwreck.

---

I am super excited for Kate Nash's new album which should be coming out very soon! If you don't know who she is, she is a young british singer with VERY witty lyrics and amazing piano/guitar harmonies. YUM! :) My favourite song by her is Mouthwash, it is pretty much me.

HAVE A LOVELY DAY!

next post hopefully I will have some pictures of some artsy things i've been doing/attempting!

Love,

Bev

I'm going to try this.

2009-08-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day, and for once I'm going to try not to complain about how some things have not changed (cough my mom's new boytoy cough) and instead post some beautiful things that make me smile.

this is so beautiful!

Aubade, Louise Glück

The world was very large. Then
the world was small. O
very small, small enough
to fit in a brain.

It had no color, it was all
interior space: nothing
got in or out. But time
seeped in anyway, that
was the tragic dimension.

I took time very seriously in those years,
if I remember accurately.

A room with a chair, a window.
A small window, filled with the patters light makes.
In its emptiness the world

was whole always, not
a chip of something, with
the self at the center.

And at the center of the self,
grief I thought I couldn’t survive.

A room with a bed, a table. Flashes
of light on the naked surfaces.

I had two desires: desire
to be safe and desire to feel. As though

the world were making
a decision against white
because it disdained potential
and wanted in its place substance:

panels
of golf where the light struck.
In the window, reddish
leaves of the copper beech tree.

Out of the stasis, facts, objects
blurred or knitted together: somewhere

time stirring, time
crying to be touched, to be
palpable,

the polished wood
shimmering with distinctions—

and then I was once more
a child in the presence of riches
and I didn’t know what the riches were made of.

The Momeraths!

(thanks erin meagan / seeyourvoice)

If you like UK pop rock/indie, click for their myspace! They have such clever, lovely lyrics and catchy beats that stay in your head. I'm slightly hooked! :)

SIGNS - a short film

Watch this if you like artsy/film sort of stuff. My friend Stefanie showed it to me, so credit goes to her. I really enjoyed this and I suggest watching it in full screen mode. (sorry it cuts off my blog, I wanted HQ)

Love,

Bev

It's ALREADY AUGUST!!!?

2009-08-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

NOOOOOO!!!!!
I HATE AUGUST!
I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH YET!!

Hey everyone, how was your July? I have to say mine was pretty awesome. I did a lot of theatre stuff, which was really nice. I made some stronger friendships too.

The Good/Bad Things About Today
good:
I'm seeing a show for a local band with my cousin, Robyn and my good friend, Bryce.
HE'S LEAVING FOR EDMONTON!!!
It's not too bad outside like it was this whole week

bad:
I need to call my dad, and we had a little argument.

I don't know if my mom will 100% give us a ride tonight to that concert

I need to clean my (DISGUSTING, INFECTED) room

I need to figure things out.

A Pity. We Were Such a Good Invention, Yehuda Amichai

They amputated
Your thighs off my hips.
As far as I’m concerned
They are all surgeons. All of them.

They dismantled us
Each from the other.
As far as I’m concerned
They are all engineers. All of them.

A pity. We were such a good
And loving invention.
An aeroplane made from a man and wife.
Wings and everything.
We hovered a little above the earth.

We even flew a little

have a great month, keep reading :)

Love,

Bev

i hate that word

2009-07-27T18:26:00.001-07:00

I hate using the word hate. It promotes negative energy, and in this day and age, we need less of that. But really, sometimes you just have to use it.

I HATE walking down a busy street alone.
I HATE not being fully in control of my life.
I HATE it when people are irrational and don't think before they react.
I HATE getting hung up on for reasons that aren't even hang-up worthy.
I HATE having people inmyspace.
I HATE not knowing what another person is thinking when they say, 'hmm...' and give you the look.
I HATE people who assume they know who you are by hearing a couple of stories.
& I especially HATE being called something I'm not, like a liar or untrustworthy. That is probably the most hurtful thing you could say to me.

Get well soon in your own house!

2009-07-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm selfish. And then I think, "I'm a teenager. It's my right to be selfish." but I don't know if that's politically correct.

My parents divorced when I was three or so. Whenever I tell someone this they reply, "oh my goodness.. are you okay?!" but honestly, I have no recollection of life before 3 so I don't really know what it's like to have two parents living together in harmony. I find it strange to go to friend's houses and have them all sit together at the dinner table. It's like some weird secret ritual I've never been a part of.

Anyways, both my parents have never remarried after all these years. I live mostly with my mom, and she's had a number of boyfriends over the course of my childhood. Some of them have given me hardship, some joy but they have a common denominator - they end in disappointment. Her current one, truth be told, I like him. I've never liked any of my mom's boyfriends.

But what I don't like is that he's commandeering my space.
He lives 30 minutes away, so my mom doesn't feel like driving him home after he stays here every night. It's not like he doesn't have a car he can drive, he just allows her to pick him up and drop him off every day to and from work. So he just sleeps on our couch with my old blanket I got a few Christmases ago while my mom and I sleep upstairs. It's been this way for about two weeks, but that's probably an understatement.

Guys, I had a plan this summer. Since my mom works all day, I could have friends over uninterrupted. See movies, go to the park, just relax. I can't relax with having some strange male I've known for 3 weeks living in my space!

He takes up the ENTIRE main floor. The basement is where the computer is, and upstairs we have 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. He lives where I eat, exercise, watch MTV... and I can't wake him up and tell him to take a hike because it's 'rude to our guest'. I have to creep around my house every morning, and make sure he doesn't wake up because heaven forbid that happens and my mom got wind of it... I'd be sure to get in some "major trouble".

I just want a summer that I can enjoy in freedom and privacy! how can I have freedom and privacy if I can't even go downstairs to my lovely livingroom in my underwear? where's the justice?

But anyways, he's currently ill. He has some lung thing, I don't know. It could be a clever lie to stay more days at chez Bev and waste my precious drops of summer because he refuses to go to the hospital. What exactly do I have living in my house, doc?

It's not like he doesn't do anything for us. He got my mom into drinking again. Not in the alcoholic or reckless way, not at all. But she didn't have even one drop of alcohol for the last 8 months until he came. Now I see her enjoy a Budweiser almost every night. What a great contribution to my family of 2.5 (the .5 is my dog, Lily, who is none the wiser about this male infestation). He also really got her into country music.

But at least he's given me some money, to have some fun with my friends, which I don't want coming to my house anymore. I am ashamed to have them see my mom and him together, two regular hicks in the heart of the prairies.

The point of the matter is, I don't really know what to do. I can hear him right now, walking around my living room like he's lived here for the past 2.5 years like I have. Damn.

But even though all of this royally sucks, and I have a feeling that maybe he could be 'The One' (I've never gotten that feeling from any of those other losers.... ughhh) I still wonder if I'm being selfish about all this. I want my mother to be happy, right? maybe I should just sacrifice my summer and put up with this.

My mom comes home in 2 hours. That's 2 hours of sitting on the computer, watching my life go to waste as the slight tan I managed to grasp from the sweltering sun in the last 2 weeks melts away, like an ice cube on warm skin. Just a couple more years, and I'll be in another Canadian city... that hope is all I've got left until he leaves.

Love,

Bev

I'm in like with you, short and sweet.

2009-07-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a crush on anybody in a really, really long time. My last boyfriend, sure he was great and all (at the time) but I never got "butterflies". I only ever swooned when he did nice things for me. And most of all, it seemed he liked me much more than I liked him - until I was gently hoisted off my platform, that is. So it's really great to know I can have one of those butterfly-inducing little crushes again. And even though this one is impossible, it's simply lovely to sign onto Facebook and stare dreamily into the computer screen... sigh...

have a lovely week :)

Just words

2009-07-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.

Richard Bach

He poured the coffee
Into the cup
He poured the milk
Into the cup of coffee
He added the sugar
To the coffee and milk
He stirred it
With a teaspoon
He drank the coffee
And put back the cup
Without speaking to me
He lit a cigarette
He blew some rings
With the smoke
He flicked the ashes
Into the ashtray
Without speaking to me
Without looking at me
He got up
He put his hat
On his head
He put on
His raincoat
Because it was raining
He went out
Into the rain
Without a word
Without looking at me
And I
I took my head
In my hands
And I wept

Breakfast by Jacques Prévert

what is one
to do
in a world
where almost everything
worth having
or doing
is
impossible?

Charles Bukowski

“Sometimes just one voice
can forever change the way
the world glows for you.”

— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson.

almost dawn
blackbirds on the telephone wire
waiting
as I eat yesterday’s
forgotten sandwich
at 6 a.m.
an a quiet Sunday morning.

one shoe in the corner
standing upright
the other laying on it’s
side.

yes, some lives were made to be
wasted.

— Bukowski

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. (Pablo Neruda)

If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

Michael Jackson

R.I.P, King Of Pop.

Love,

Bev

can't stop the change

2009-06-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Things have changed, big time.

(I want it to stop.)

selfish decisions

2009-06-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had to make a choice for yourself, and needed to use somebody? not in a mean way necessarily, but in a way that you thought they wouldn't get hurt and you could get what you needed?

I did.
And I hurt someone.
and even though this person knows I didn't mean it, at all, and I was just using them for an area of my life that needed work.. well, they didn't see it my way. They did at first but in the end, my selfish ways overpowered their desire to help me out. I hurt them, and even though they promised nothing would change, it has.
I didn't mean this at all.

A good friend of mine told me today that things just "fall into place, doors open in areas you'll never expect". Is this necessary in my life? Is this what's right, right now? Did what I do unintentionally open doors... or close them?

This is really all I'm going to say. I'm only x number of years old, and I am going to make mistakes. But making mistakes at the sake of a friend? I don't think that's right.

I'm sorry for the hurt. But I don't regret what I did. I needed it more than anybody in the entire world could ever know.

Bev

over the hill and far away

2009-06-14T09:59:00.001-07:00

over the hill and far away
click for my flickr!

the other week, I took pictures at my local park. I tried to get some really interesting and beautiful shots, so here are a couple.

I really enjoy this park a lot. It has a lot of good memories there. It was where I had my first kiss, not too far from where this shot was taken.

I love all the little ponds at this park. There have got to be quite a few. Little ducklings play and grow here. It's a magical place.

this last one is just strange, but i still like it.

This week I challenge you:

Go to a place you love and visit regularly, and try to capture it in photographs that describe the emotional connection you have to that place.

I am excited to see what anyone comes up with!

the day needs my saving expertise!

2009-06-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

An award! woo! given to me by the insightful Femme Chic!

10 Honest things about myself:
1) I can only put my left shoe on first. If I don't for some reason, I take the right one off and put the left one on. If I don't, I feel kind of weird.
2) I love old Steve Martin films that few people I know have watched. Such as: The Lonely Guy, The Three Amigos, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, The Jerk, A Simple Twist of Fate, Roxanne, Mixed Nuts, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Man With Two Brains, HouseSitter and Bowfinger. He's so wonderful, I wish more people knew about his work other than Cheaper by The Dozen and Pink Panther.
3) I know a ton about astrology.
4) I've had the most physical pain and emotional pain I have ever experienced this year, and have grown as a person.
5) I often wish I was funnier. I'm just really silly and goofy, and I am the often the one doubling over with laughter.
6) I thoroughly enjoy who I am and where I am at in life.
7) I think the meaning of my life is to help others, but I cringe at the fact I have 55 hours of volunteer work to do.
8) I've never lost my voice.
9) I laugh at people who run around in the rain carrying something over their head to not get wet. It's just water, you'll live.
10) I know all the words to every single ABBA song.

I give this award to (sorry I can only find four, I am much too lazy):
Erin
Tiffany
Nicola
Holsten

Requirements:
- I must thank the person who gave me the award and list their blog and link it
- I must list 10 honest things about myself
- I must put a copy of The Honest Scrap Logo on my blog.
- I must select at least 7 other worthy bloggers & list their links
- I must notify the bloggers of the award and hopefully they will follow the above three requirements also.

*

Found such a cool band (I just HAD to buy their EP on itunes)! Check them out at their myspace, especially the song 'Orchard' or 'Through Your Eyes':

The Honey Trees

Songs of the moment:
Hot Air Balloon - Owl City
Drifters - Patrick Watson
Stripmall Religion - Sam Roberts
Closer - Jars of Clay
Sunshine - Matt Costa
The Cold, The Dark and The Silence - Sea Wolf

Love,

Bev

no right turn on red signal in this weather

2009-06-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

TODAY as in TWO HOURS I am taking my beginners driving test! I am so excited to finally get out on the road.

I have a very good feeling I will pass, which is awesome because I have been stressed beyond belief, and even though I am quite tempted to, I will not post how busy I am in a picture collage. Oh, the magic of photoshop...

about an hour ago, I was walking in the pouring rain from my bus stop to my house in nothing but jeans, strappy sandals, a very thin t-shirt/light sweater duo, plus scarf and bag. It was wonderful! as we speak, my hair is two thirds done drying. I absolutely love walking in the rain.

yesterday was the last day of summer
and it makes sense you weren't with me then
or even on this rainy afternoon
you're teaching me to live apart from you
which has reduced to breakfast dishes crowding the nightstand, the tv droning with some julie christie drama, my black hair unwashed for a fifth day.
after all what's grief to someone who
never tires of longing except a manner
of existing in the present, where nothing is derivative.
strange.
it's easier now to reconcile the scene of when i first saw you
crossing a city street on a busy september afternoon.
the one perfect moment, before language.

-david semanki.... poems of new york

I purchased some new paint the other day to write more on my walls. If you are new to this blog (I have some more followers, woo-hoo!) I am a big fan of creativity on my walls!

that is all!

Love,

bev

distractions

2009-05-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about blogging about this for awhile.

The other day I had to go for physiotherapy, meaning I had to leave school in the middle of the day. At around one o'clock, I had to wait in the front lobby of the school for five minutes for my aunt to pick me up for my appointment. Only five.

I found after about a minute and a half, I started getting restless. I kept checking my phone, wishing I had someone to talk to and kicking myself for forgetting my iPod at home. I realized that I could barely stand in silence, looking out the window at the busy road for a couple minutes, and I felt almost ashamed. Since when have I been a person in NEED of a distraction?

Seeing myself frantically search my bag for something to do, something to look at, something to distract me, I laughed at how ridiculous it all was. I could barely believe that I couldn't just stand and think. It was a quality I used to have that in my busy life, somehow got misplaced and I realized I needed to fix that - and soon.

Something I have realized is how often people say, "life is too short". I think this should be changed to, "Life is too short when you don't really live".

I challenge you. Next time you are on the bus, waiting for your mom/dad/friend to pick you up from work or sitting at a park bench alone: don't allow yourself distracted. Sit, think, watch and be.

love always!
bev

goodbye, notebook number five

2009-05-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

your eyes, like emerald rings,
hold mine like a father
who pulls his son back from the liquid aquamarine might
after he was sure the boy would drown.
so sure, that his desperation fueled him to hold the child
so close
chest rattling with satisfaction
and the chill.
your eyes
hold me there, just like that -
so steady and reassuring -
like the waves of teal beneath a rowboat
the rhythm of the river, so contained and strong
like a father's unmatched determination.

*
some nights,
your absence is a warm blanket that covers me like hot air
in a metal room.
other nights,
your absence is a metallic thrum
in a windowless cell.

shrunken in the wing,
the feathers clutched so tightly
grasping the tangled skin
with elegant fingers
held dangling, resting upon the surface
in the iron-clad attempt at a grip of death.

how strongly held the broken skin
to the shrunken marrow, bleached
from sunlight and rain.

the sparrow's song is never heard anymore.
it was replaced by a dirge
concentration on the rustling of whisper-thin feathers
in a calm wind.

*
there is a bird resting upon my open palm
long-feathered in maturity
bright-beaked, melodious
vibrant in life.
It's eyes bore into mine
like pangs of hunger.
There is no cure for this disease.
I am rotting.

A bell is heard in a glorious tone so far away
that it seems as if it just the wind
it projects a cry, to only us
we are all so enclosed.
I am rotting.

Gnarled roots are
blisters of dry black clumps the
scar tissue of ancient oaks, baked in light.
scars like these can never be healed.
I am rotting.

they didn't mean to be good to each other
it just happened that way
when they spent time together
he didn't mean to waste his time
thinking of ways to impress her
it just happened that way, when he daydreamed at home
she didn't mean to rethink
everything he ever said
it just happened that way, when he left her company
and traced thumbprints on her heart.

*
the place where
varying shades of gray
cover, corner to corner
the buildings and roads
concrete scenery
jungle of rocky tree roots
no longer earthy brown
or mossy
where snow isn't wet or frozen
you just feel it on your silver skin
you cannot watch it disappear
when you look, it isn't even there
and the metallic sky isn't real
it isn't even pretty
it is just a mirror of invisible traffic lights
and nothing people,
immersed in charcoal
or tin
this is where
you cannot see because there isn't contrast
you may only feel
shiny wind run the length of your hand
raindrops disappear on empty skin
the brush of gray lips, gentle
upon your own.
but even then, it is a long shot in the dark
that does not even exist.

the sightless girl lies awake on the floor
lamplight touches her skin
and she feels the warmth
others mistake for air.

it is morning,
though she is in endless darkness
her limbs are whispered to
demanded to feel
until the cobwebs have shifted away from her nerves.

she lies motionless
tiny chest rising with shaky breaths
her lungs like animals stowed away in her chest
locked up for company and safe-keeping.

she stirs
the air, shifting
is chill around her ankles
so bare that she feels comfortable knowing that she is alive.

with her dead eyes she feels the room.
so familiar, in the darkness.

*
I see you walking toward me
and I'm frightened of your smile
rows of glistening teeth that rob my lungs
you are beautiful when you are glad

I see you face me
with eyes shining like daytime stars
suddenly blinded
by your focused sunshine.

I feel your palm upon my cheek
your fingers graze my neck
your face is mussed in concentration
you are beautiful, when you think.

I feel your sun, your skin on mine
I've felt them thousands of times
moments like these will never quell
until we are near and safe.

You take my hand
and in my blindness the caress feels
like a thousand stars, shooting out my fingertips.
You are beautiful, when we are together.

the tidal wave of you
pulls me under
in a sigh of crashing rocks and waves

a calm sea, you floated on a breeze
touched by my star that could never penetrate your swirling depths.
gone now
forgotten in your anger
you are silent to all; I hear your shaky voice in silence.
I watch you in terror as you are revealed
shimmering, destructive, beautiful
amidst the calm skies, full of peace.

these are the things I could never say
because of fear
and your heart, which once lay close to mine
listens
far away.
does it rejoice as the hatchet lays deep in soil
fertile and bursting
as the spiders light fire in eternal beds?

I could never speak this to you.
I am not supposed to care.

quickster

2009-05-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

This is wonderful! Our chamber choir is singing this arrangement.

I made a Flickr! The pictures aren't that great (yet)

My Flickr!

next time! poetry! probably! sorry!

BEVVVVAAAAAAALLLLLLLEEEEEEY

.yhpargotohp

2009-05-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been in the mood to take more pictures. Maybe this is due to the fact that a good friend of mine, Erin, has a Flickr account with amazing pictures she has taken herself on it. Or, maybe it's because my friend Stefanie has a facebook album dedicated to each month and carries her camera everywhere, storing pictures in her files for everyone to see.

I always loved the idea of photography. Being the eye in which others see through. Making the world a little more beautiful.

click the image to see her Flickr!

Maybe I will start carrying my camera around more often.

I just got back the other day from a very interesting trip to Minneapolis. Our school band spent the days performing at gigantic elementary schools (they were HUGE) and the nights seeing theatre and going to Mall of America.

Hilights of the trip were:

A very racist music teacher at an elementary school performance
Hooters, for my first time (I don't know if that should be counted as a pun or not)
Seeing Phantom of the Opera at the Orpheum theatre (words cannot express the amazingocity)
A tall, tan, religious man handing out comics promoting Catholicism
A very lengthy brush with the law at Mall of America

and finally,

Being compared to a young Alanis Morrisette by a Caribbean man at a pizzeria.

What a trip! I don't think I will ever forget it.

*
next blog I will probably post my poetry, seeing as my fifth notebook is almost full.
Have a wonderful week!

Love, Bev.

things are different sometimes

2009-05-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks.

pride

2009-05-10T15:10:00.001-07:00

As long as you aren't conceited or overbearing about it, it is wonderful to be proud of yourself every once in a while. I know I am! Today I took a couple hours and painted my room (again) and here are the results:

the mess!

Je t'aime plus qu'hier,
moins que demain
(I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow)

Even after all this time
the sun never says to the earth
"you owe me"
Look what happens with a
love like that
it lights the whole sky.
-Hafiz

ps. sorry for the blur factor in the pictures. I took them without even looking.

GET CREATIVE!

love, bev.

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

2009-05-09T19:40:00.001-07:00

these are a few of my favourite things

1. Improv comedy
2. Cuddling
3. Meeting new people
4. Poetry
5. Performing
6. Writing
7. Learning
8. Inspiring
9. Tumblr blogs :)
10. Smiles
11. Broadway musicals
12. Folk
13. Chicken!
14. Playing instruments
15. Reading of any kind
16. Hot chocolate
17. Pancakes
18. Cute couples
19. Youtube
20. Hand holding

these are a few of my least-favourite things

1. Children
2. Large dogs
3. Vacuum cleaners
4. Messes
5. Enemies
6. Stupid breakups
7. Hearing people getting back together that shouldn't
8. Making origami
9. Karaoke
10. Teenage pregnancies
11. Horses
12. "Haters"
13. Racism
14. Pointless websites
15. Bebo, Tagged and Myspace
16. "(insert month here) is (insert stupid cause) month"
17. MRI scans
18. Puking slightly in your mouth
19. Headaches
20. Nausea

entry question -
What are your favourite things?

travels

2009-05-07T14:47:00.000-07:00

Next week, I am going with my school band to Minneapolis, Minnesota in the United States! I am SO excited to go because we are seeing Phantom of The Opera, 7 Brides for 7 Brothers and going to Mall of America!

This will be my second time to Minneapolis, and hopefully I will have a splendid time, despite the fact that I have barely any friends in my band class. Oh well, maybe I will make some new ones. But in all honesty, if I got ignored this whole trip by everyone, I wouldn't mind. Sometimes it's better to be off in a little world by yourself.

Another note about traveling, next spring break I am going to Italy, France and the South of France (I do not know why they separate this, but I digress.) I am so excited, especially since I will be going with my best friend, my cousin and a couple other people I am starting to get to know really well. Once again, this is through school (which I am not the biggest fan of) but I have no idea when I'm ever going to get another opportunity like this. So, I might as well take it and enjoy it!

refresh

2009-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when you just have to restart, fresh and new. Leave the past behind you, and start moving forward. Realize what you have, feel and show gratitude toward it, and then do something to make that area in your life even better.

Even though I've been saying that I've done this, I haven't because the past keeps knocking on my door, and I keep opening it wide enough to let it swallow me whole.

But this time, I am not going to let it take over.

This week: recognize when it is time to restart things in your own life. Even if it is with a friend, a coworker, a school subject, a job or anything else. Realize when it is time to let go of the past and start fresh again.

“Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work.” Ralph Marston

Happy Monday!

I don't want to change the world

2009-05-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

I just want you to be happy.

thank you for teaching me
thank you for taking care of me
thank you for being wonderful

thank you for lying to my face, and on paper
thank you for ignoring me
thank you for everything you didn't turn out to be

we had to state our goals, in improv class yesterday.
mine were:
to get married
to be creative my whole life
to go to university
what are yours?

I do not miss you. I miss who I thought you were. & he isn't coming back.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is to not let past hurts affect the present moment. The past has no power over you, and the future is unrealized dreams. The only time is now, forever. Time is an infinite now.

"How are you?" is such a common but horrible question. If I am upset or angry, I don't like letting people know unless it is absolutely necessary, or if I really need that person there for me. Otherwise, I say "I am fine" or better, "I am okay" and it's annoying because sure, they aren't lies but they aren't the truth either. I don't like unloading my "problems" onto others. It makes me feel worse.

sometimes, you just have to take a moment and say -

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT

I AM INDEED PROUD OF MYSELF AND MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
I HOPE YOU AND MRS. OBAMA ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN
(THEY DON'T STAY YOUNG FOREVER)
SO CHERISH THEM AND THEIR LITTLE THIGHS
FOR THEY WILL SOON BE LARGE AND THUNDER-Y.

you should try it, right now. I swear it makes you feel better about yourself.

I think it is okay to be silly, to be immature, to be seen as strange, to dream, to wear clothes, to inspire, to have wishes, to eat fried chicken, to make a mess of your life, to eat ice cream, to gain 5 pounds, to not like perogies, to not know what perogies are, to speak only one language, to memorize HTML codes, to be an insomniac, to sing like a donkey, to not be able to cook, to use Firefox for the spell check feature, to cherish your mom, to dislike your grandma, to be annoyed by your sister, to take chances, to not have a father, to be held, to cry, to ask for more and to love indefinitely with everything you have

all images provided by Flickr.

One of the many things I find inspiration in are office workspaces.

What do you find inspiration in?

it doesn't last

2009-04-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

My life was perfect. At least, that's what it felt like. I loved every moment of my life until a couple of weeks ago, when things changed. And now it's different. I don't like it.

I really dislike complaining. So I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to pass on a short tale I learned from a book, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle.

(this is not the exact story, but this is the lesson.)

There once was an old king who was starting to become depressed and angry at life. In his country, he knew of a man who was very spiritually wise and always full of peace. One day, the king ordered this man to come to the throne before him.
"Your majesty, " the man said. "Whatever seems to be the trouble?"
"I am finding life difficult these days, " replied the king. "I am looking for a way to become peaceful again, like you always seem to be. I need you to give me a lesson that I can take with me everywhere, so I will always be happy and full of peace."
The man knew exactly what to do. He got a ring and on it he engraved the words,

"this, too, shall pass."

For you see, this man knew that absolutely everything has an end. And that no matter what situation you are in, it will someday be over. This isn't meant to be upsetting. It's freeing because you know that things will change, and to appreciate them as they are.

I feel like I've needed this lesson in the last few weeks. I've learned so much about life in such a short time.

The king received the ring and was told to repeat the phrase in every situation he was put in, big or small. But he soon became troubled.
"I do not understand." he said. "This makes me feel like my life is meaningless, that no matter what I do, it will be over."
"This is why you have to make every moment meaningful, and know that every unhappy situation you are in will end. And even though this means the happy ones will end too, you learn to appreciate them much easier."

Entry Question - Have you learned any major life lessons in the last while?

life is beautiful

2009-04-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

even with a broken heart
even with an empty stomach
a closed fist
even with a limp from a knee dislocation
even with a saxophone that you don't feel like playing
it's still beautiful
even when it's raining
even when the park where you once found simple joy
makes you cry
even when your family doesn't support you
or you don't even have a family
it's still the most gorgeous thing you can experience;
taking a breath
(and letting it out knowing that it was provided for you to survive)
hearing music
sleeping
eating
crying
these things are so beautiful

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.

—Mary Manin Morrissey

Hidden, Naomi Shihab Nye

If you place a fern
under a stone
the next day it will be
nearly invisible
as if the stone has
swallowed it.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.

No one sees
the fuel that feeds you.

Making a Fist, Naomi Shihab Nye

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,
I felt the life sliding out of me,
a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.
I was seven, I lay in the car
watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.
My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

"How do you know if you are going to die?"
I begged my mother.
We had been traveling for days.
With strange confidence she answered,
"When you can no longer make a fist."

Years later I smile to think of that journey,
the borders we must cross separately,
stamped with our unanswerable woes.
I who did not die, who am still living,
still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,
clenching and opening one small hand.

i have very similar handwriting to this. and i do this too, sometimes.

The First Straw | Jeffrey McDaniel

I used to think love was two people sucking
on the same straw to see whose thirst was stronger,

but then I whiffed the crushed walnuts of your nape,
traced jackals in the snow-covered tombstones of your teeth.

I used to think love was a non-stop saxophone solo
in the lungs, till I hung with you like a pair of sneakers

from a phone line, and you promised to always smell
the rose in my kerosene. I used to think love was terminal

pelvic ballet, till you let me jog beside while you pedaled
all over hell on the menstrual bicycle, your tongue

ripping through my prairie like a tornado of paper cuts.
I used to think love was an old man smashing a mirror

over his knee, till you helped me carry the barbell
of my spirit back up the stairs after my car pirouetted

in the desert. You are my history book. I used to not believe
in fairy tales till I played the dunce in sheep’s clothing

and felt how perfectly your foot fit in the glass slipper
of my ass. But then duty wrapped its phone cord

around my ankle and yanked me across the continent.
And now there are three thousand miles between the u

and s in esophagus. And being without you is like standing
at a cement-filled wall with a roll of Yugoslavian nickels

and making a wish. Some days I miss you so much
I’d jump off the roof of your office building

just to catch a glimpse of you on the way down. I wish
we could trade left eyeballs, so we could always see

what the other sees. But you’re here, I’m there,
and we have only words, a nightly phone call - one chance

to mix feelings into syllables and pour into the receiver,
hope they don’t disassemble in that calculus of wire.

And lately - with this whole war thing - the language machine
supporting it - I feel betrayed by the alphabet, like they’re

injecting strychnine into my vowels, infecting my consonants,
naming attack helicopters after shattered Indian tribes:

Apache, Blackhawk; and West Bank colonizers are settlers,
so Sharon is Davey Crockett, and Arafat: Geronimo,

and it’s the Wild West all over again. And I imagine Picasso
looking in a mirror, decorating his face in war paint,

washing his brushes in venom. And I think of Jenin
in all that rubble, and I feel like a Cyclops with two eyes,

like an anorexic with three mouths, like a scuba diver
in quicksand, like a shark with plastic vampire teeth,

like I’m the executioner’s fingernail trying to reason
with the hand. And I don’t know how to speak love

when the heart is a busted cup filling with spit and paste,
and the only sexual fantasy I have is busting

into the Pentagon with a bazooka-sized pen and blowing
open the minds of generals. And I comfort myself

with the thought that we’ll name our first child Jenin,
and her middle name will be Terezin, and we’ll teach her

how to glow in the dark, and how to swallow firecrackers,
and to never neglect the first straw; because no one

ever talks about the first straw, it’s always the last straw
that gets all the attention, but by then it’s way too late.

You are what every guy looks for in a girl. Understand that. You are amazing. You are willing to sacrifice everything for love. There will be so many other better guys who are going to come into your life and fall for you in an instant. So do it. Move on. Wait for the guy who will do the same for you. Wait for the one who will love you more than he can love himself. The one who will never let you wait because he’s too afraid to lose you. The one who is always there for you, whether you need him or not because he loves you so much. Wait for the guy who can look you straight in the eye to tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with nobody else but you. Move on. Stop waiting. There is no point in waiting for somebody who doesn’t realise your value.

—

Champagne Kisses, “Letter to Myself”

Have a great day everyone!

Love,

Bev

recovery and comments

2009-04-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

this blog has been getting

WAY

less comments than before. Not that I mind, it's just that I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading. That way, I can judge what kind of material to post, I guess?

anyways, if you read this PLEASE COMMENT, even just type a letter anonymously, I don't need to know who you are, it's just so I know that you are reading. Please? :)

PS. the next posts are going to be more interesting!

"gently hoisted off my platform"

2009-04-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

.... I remember that line from a blog post my friend Emma made when her boyfriend broke up with her. It always stuck in my head for some reason.

This weekend, as in about an hour ago, I was gently hoisted off my platform.

How come it doesn't feel so gentle?

2009-04-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

sometimes I want to write personal posts on my blog
but I feel like I can't because this is read by too many
too many familliar faces, too many strangers
to know my inner thoughts

and it's scary because I feel like sometimes I don't have anyone to talk to
and I sort of forget who I am for a minute
and I feel a rising, uncontrollable tightness in my chest
the grip is so tight and closed, it almost bursts
and when this happens, it's not with happiness like it is usually, it's with confusion with who I am
and at this point I kind of just sit and try not to feel sick, because this will pass soon, I promise, I know it
and sometimes I just want to be someone who isn't me
because being myself is so frustrating, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing
85 percent of the time
and this feeling I get takes over and I can't even think about anything but my lungs
and the shivers down my spine

but after sitting here for a minute and attempting to breathe
clearing my head
trying to make my chest unclench
I remember who I am
who I can talk to, and trust
and that I want to be myself because I love my life
and I still don't know what I am doing, and that is okay

but it's so scary to forget sometimes
and that feeling in my chest
is one of the worst feelings

this summer

2009-04-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm making this post short.
Basically I am surrounded by people talking about their summer plans already.

My CONCRETE summer plans

Going to International Music Camp
Volunteering at a theatre Festival in my city (getting school credit, a few free tickets to shows, spending time meeting new people in the hot sun... what's not to love?)

My extremely iffy summer plans

Going to the US with my mom, my best friend and her mom
See Beauty and The Beast put on by a local "professional" theatre
Spending some quality time at the cabin with my family

Usually, every year by this time I have my whole summer mapped out (you can even read my post from a year ago... it was a lot longer than this one) and it always involves going to Calgary to visit family there. However, this year my aunt said I was "too old" to visit, that the "kids" have all grown up and it would no longer be "fun". I have something to say to that*, ~~but I do NOT want to put it out on my blog, where my family may potentially read it.~~ Let's just say, I'm less than thrilled.

Entry Question-
Do you have any summer plans yet?

*thanks, you rhymes-with-witch. Take all your money and stick it up your rhymes-with-Regina.

you make me happy, whether you know it or not.

2009-04-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Sea Wolf (Alex Brown Church):

You are such a cool artist. Each one of your songs on your album, Leaves in the River, are unique and inspiring. I love how they each sound different in a familiar way.

In happiness,

Sea Otter B (arf, arf arf)

Dear Coldplay,

I LOVE YOU GUYS! The reason: you shocked me. I thought you were so overrated, and that's why I never gave you the time of day. When I gave this band a chance, I was stunned by beautiful lyrics and melodies that haunted me for days.

Thanks for being amazing.

Love,

Bevplaysyouallday

Dear S Club 7 -

I never found out about you growing up in the nineties. I've been listening to your songs now, as a teenager in the 2000 age. And gosh darnit, they are awesome.

Sincerely,

S Club Bev-en

Hiya, David Archuleta ...

I am going to admit right now I was madly in love with you on American Idol last year. I know you only came in second, but you're seventeen. That just doesn't happen! you are so special, unique and inspiring - and I still get chills listening to your songs. Thank you for being so inspirational. No one can take away what you have given me - a feeling of dedication, responsibility and hope. I love you as an artist, as a talented person and if I knew you probably as a friend too.

From,

Bev

(no video!)

So, I saw the Hannah Montana movie yesterday. Trust me, I am not a fan, but there is one part in the movie where Miley sings with her dad, Bobby Ray. It is such a beautiful song, and it's called Butterfly Fly Away. I feel so silly and young saying I loved it, but I really really did.

Sorry for spamming you guys with all these videos!
:'( = spam
:D = youtube

PS. Song from the title is 'Happy' by Nevershoutnever! It is the cutest song I've heard in a long time.
PPS. it's been a year today. so much has changed.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

the twitter obsession? a random rant.

2009-04-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

What's with the huge twitter obsession these days?

If you've been living under a rock and don't know what twitter is, it's a site where you tell people what you are doing in 140 characters or less. You can "follow" people and pretty much see what they are doing whenever they update. It's a great way to get updated on all your favourite celebrities, friends, and that boy you find cute in your pre-calculus class.

Make an account here!

Personally, I've known about twitter for a long time now, and thought it was kind of cool but also very pointless (even Facebook has more of a point, and that is still pretty low). I am a huge MTV Canada fan and almost every day they mention it on MTV Live. It's also on all the celeb entertainment shows and even on talk shows, like Ellen DeGeneres (click here to follow her on Twitter).

Anyways, the point of the story is I am a hypocrite.
Since I am a hypocrite, I finally got a Twitter (but only to follow some really cool people...)
Here!
and while you're at it clicking stuff, here is my tumblr!
yay, friends! :)

Entry Question -
What do you think? Is Twitter just a 'trend of the moment'?

when the world seems to get too tough, bring it all back to you

2009-04-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

it's tag time. thanks nicola :)

The rules are:
1. Respond and rework. Answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention; add a question of your own.

2. Tag eight other un-tagged people.

What is your current obsession? Tumblr. I read a few every day.
What are you wearing right now? leg brace, leggings, black and white dress, black cardigan, headband, socks.

Who was the last person you hugged? my dog! oh wait, that's not a person..
If you were a tree, what tree would you be? Maple, they make me happy!

What’s for dinner? I went to Earls and had Thai wings and this crazy strawberry sundae. Words cannot express the intenseness of that dessert.
What was the last thing you bought? a teriyaki chicken sub from subway.

Is there anything important you wish you could say to someone right now, that you haven't yet? If so, what? No, not at the moment.

What is your favourite weather? a light sun shower.
What’s on your beside table? stack of notebooks, pens and random garbage.
Say something to the person/s who tagged you. You are more awesome than balogna on a stick!
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? Sweden, I think.

A book you're currently reading? More like re-reading... A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (simply life changing)

What would you like to have in your hands right now? money, or some Earl Grey tea with honey.
What is your favourite tea flavour? What a coincidence! I'd say just plain and simple Earl Gray, but I've tried many - I really like Belgium Chocolate, Peppermint and Berry.
What film means so much to you? The Sound of Music, for sure. I grew up with that movie, and it reminds me of my grandma.
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Rome.
What is a song that describes your life right now? The Nicest Thing by Kate Nash. Or Bossy by Kelis. (kidding)
What did you want to become as a child? I changed my mind a ton, but I've wanted to go into medicine since grade 4.

TAGGED : thenameiskatie, thetiffanytree (sorry if you guys have been tagged before)

Song of the Hour - Bring it All Back to You by S Club 7

just a thought I wrote-

"When you say I love you to someone, no matter how special and beautiful it seems at the time, that word has weight to it. It means that you love them when they’re ugly. When they’re sad. When they scream at you for something you didn’t even do. You can’t stop loving them then. Are you ready for that? are you honestly, truly, 250% ready?"

bits of inspiration

2009-04-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

"I wish you could put your ear up to my heart and hear how much I love you."

- Mineral

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

— Madonna

This article about dating makes me smile, because it is so true for a lot of people (ignore the profanity! this girl obviously likes to swear)

I Wrote This For You

The Loft, Richard Jones

I lay on her bed
while she opened windows
so we could see the river
and the factories beyond.
Afternoon light falling
beautifully into the room,
she burned candles,
incense, talking quietly
as I listened—
I, who conspired
to make this happen,
weaving a web of words that held
this moment at its center.
What could I say now?
That I am a man
empty of desire?
She stood beside the bed,
looking down at me
as if she were dreaming,
as if I were a dream,
as if she too had come
to the final shore of longing.
I lay, calm as a lake
reflecting the nothingness
of the late summer sky.
The she spoke—
she said my name—
and I, who did not love her,
opened my arms.

The Iceberg Theory, Gerald Locklin

All the food critics hate iceberg lettuce.
you’d think romaine was descended from
orpheus’s laurel wreath,
you’d think raw spinach had all the nutritional
benefits attributed to it by popeye,
not to mention aesthetic subtleties worthy of
verlaine and debussy.
they’ll even salivate over chopped red cabbage.
just to disparage poor old mr. iceberg lettuce.

I guess the problem is
it’s just too common for them.
it doesn’t matter that it tastes good,
has a satisfying crunchy texture,
holds its freshness,
and has crevices for the dressing,
whereas the darker, leafier varieties
are often bitter, gritty and flat.
it just isn’t different enough and
it’s too goddamn american.

of course a critic has to criticize:
a critic has to have something to say.
perhaps that’s why literary critics
purport to find interesting
so much contemporary poetry
that just bores the shit out of me.

at any rate, I really enjoy a salad
with plenty of chunky iceberg lettuce,
the more the merrier,
drenched in an italian or roquefort dressing.
and the poems I enjoy are those I don’t have
to pretend that I’m enjoying.

this is SUCH a cute song for those who are fans of musical theatre. This is one of the best renditions on youtube I've seen...

I just HAD to get this out. (issues!)

2009-03-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had to get this out! This is kind of an extreme rant, it's very long, it might not make sense, and you may totally, 100% not agree with anything I say. But that's what comments are for! so be nice :)

Recently I had a discussion with a good friend of mine about "love". It all started by reading a magazine, in which it gave the advice:

"let the guy say I love you first"

which we both thought was kind of ridiculous. This magazine, Cosmopolitan, almost seems to subliminally state:

"you are in love when the guy wants to get you in his pants. All men cheat, but that's okay because you need a man in your life and you have to accept it. Love is something that happens in every relationship, usually after 6 weeks or so, and is extremely special which is why you have to look pretty so the guy will let you into his pants."

After hearing so much about love, reading books about it, watching movies, hearing about celebrity divorces, I cannot wrap my head around the concept of being in love. I know that might sound a little strange, but to understand it I think you have to understand all aspects, such as falling out of it. And that is something I do not understand.

To wake up one morning and say, "I no longer love you" doesn't make sense to me. Is it because the other person changed? well, if you actually were in love (and when I say in love, it hereby means what the other person thinks they feel) with them, wouldn't you accept the changes? or were you in love with their persona, the person they tried to be, how you felt around them...

To me, being 'in love' means a lot of things but basically this:

"Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."

— Emily Giffin

&

"I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

— unknown

I think most people would agree that a part of what love is is being committed to somebody. Not because they dress nice. Not because they are happy most of the time. Not because they go to church, they have a nice sister, they eat pumpkin pie... But because you enjoy being with them, trying to figure them out, talking to them about anything and everything, wasting time together, having hours and hours of time spent feel like minutes. Because if you weren't with them, you wouldn't feel the same - in a bad way. Because if you lacked them, something is missing in yourself.

To 'fall out of love' with someone is like saying to a friend you've had many years, 'I've decided I do not like you after all' even if they haven't done anything major to deserve that. So why do people say they've fallen out of love, when love should include change?

If someone changes, then you accept it because you love them. Love is acceptance. So then is falling out of love with someone denying them their right to change? Could you compare it to saying, "Before, I was in love with you because it felt comfortable. But because you've changed, I no longer feel comfortable and I do not love you."

Does love boil down to comfort?

In romance novels, you do not often hear the female counterpart saying,

"Matthew, you are my true love. However, I do not feel safe with you. Whenever I see you, I am frightened. Still, I am utterly in love with you."

Falling out of love with someone for changing is like saying "I do not love you because I do not feel comfortable with you like I did before."

But if you don't feel comfortable with someone, you shouldn't be with them. That is common knowledge. But if Lisa loved Matthew, and really loved him, not just for his sister, or his church... she wouldn't mind it if Matthew stopped eating pumpkin pie. She'd still love him, even if she was uncomfortable with the fact that he no longer enjoyed her favourite food. He'd still be the same guy, minus the extra calories at Thanksgiving.

Falling out of love isn't always the other persons fault. Maybe it's the wrong time for you, because of a certain occurrence, and you change. Because of this change, you no longer love them. But if it is real, 100% true love, wouldn't this event bring you closer, or at least allow this person to show his/her feelings of care for you?

Wouldn't unfortunate occurrences (like death in the family) make you want this person even more, because they make you feel so much better in times of need? Or would it actually drive you away from them?

This next scene wouldn't make sense if this was real love.

Lisa: I love you, Matthew.
Matthew: I love you too, Lisa.

*the next day*

Lisa: My father died, Matthew. I have to be alone.
Matthew: Oh my gosh! Do you need anything, dear?
Lisa: I need to be alone.
Matthew: Well take your time. I am here.

*the next week*

Matthew: Are you okay, Lisa? I am so worried about you.
Lisa: I'm not the same, I can't get over this. I'm sorry but we have to break up.
Matthew: What did I do wrong?!
Lisa: It's me. I - I - *sob* I don't love you!
Matthew: But we're soul mates!
Lisa: Maybe the old Lisa was, but I am so different now.
Matthew: This doesn't make sense! I am here for you, I love you!
Lisa: I can't love anyone after what happened.

if it was real and true, shouldn't it be more like this:

Lisa: I love you, Matthew.
Matthew: I love you too, Lisa.

*the next day*

Lisa: My father died, Matthew. I have to be alone.
Matthew: Oh my gosh! Do you need anything, dear?
Lisa: I need to be alone.
Matthew: Well take your time. I am here.

* the next week*

Matthew: are you okay, Lisa? I am so worried about you.
Lisa: I'm not the same, I can't get over this. I love you so much, I am so sorry I can't be here for you and the same as I was before at a time like this.
Matthew: It's totally okay, I know what you're going through is rough. I love you and I am always here for you
Lisa: I love you, and I appreciate everything you've done for me.

as cheesy and as horrible as that was, isn't that how it should be?

Now, I understand you can grow* out of love with someone if they make a huge change, like start drugs, because you cannot believe that they would do that. But even with the drugs, you still love the person they were, and maybe can even learn to accept their habits (though this choice is very foolish, it shows true devotion.)

I think that is a big part of what real and true love is. It's accepting the changes that make you uncomfortable because you want them to be happy, and you'd want them to accept you. It's being committed to them, even if their sister is no longer nice, they quit going to church and they stopped eating pumpkin pie. It's because you like them, not the stuff they have, the habits they've formed and the shoes they wear.

BUT, with all this information I have just carefully thought out, do you agree with the following statement?

"if you fall out of love with someone, it's because you were never in love** with them to begin with"

Personally, I am not sure where I stand on this matter. Many happy, 'in love' couples get divorced because of changes that happen gradually over months. But if you actually were crazy in love with them, wouldn't you strive to keep the passion and romance alive?

Okay, enough thoughts. I am driving myself insane. Thank you for reading if anyone even took the time to. I want to hear your opinions!

~~Love,~~
Sincerely,

Bev

*I once read in a book that growing into and out of love is much better than calling it falling, because to fall into and out of love makes you sound like you have whiplash and growing is basically what happens (or so they say)

**love in this case meaning real and true, head over heels, 'I'd-hate-to-live-without-you' kind of love.

the thing about being injured

2009-03-27T07:59:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I went to Brandon Jazz Festival with my high school's Jazz Band and Vocal Jazz groups. It was an extremely fun trip, until the Friday night of the three day trip when I fell and had a lateral patella dislocation.

If that phrase doesn't mean anything to you, this is what it means: I fell and my kneecap moved out of place (to the left, hence the word lateral.) It was stuck there for about three hours as I got dragged away by an ambulance to the Brandon Hospital in front of all my peers and teachers. Talk about embarrassing and excruciatingly painful.

After a week of not being able to walk without crutches, missing school (which is not nearly as fun as it sounds) and watching my knee swell and de-swell, I finally got to venture out of my home and into the tundra-like weather to the clinic.

this is basically what my brace looked like, except slightly more attractive.

At the clinic, I found out that I need a new brace (pictured below) that I can walk on for a month because my knee isn't healed. However, I do not need crutches! hallelujah!

Even though that is good news and I thought the worst was over, Dr. Glacken took off my brace and attempted to make me hold up my damaged leg. I failed miserably, meaning that either:

a) my body is preventing me from lifting up my leg, because of the pain

OR

b) I have a tear in my quadriceps tendon, meaning I have to get knee surgery - and fast.

So, to decide whether I tore my tendon or not, I went for an emergency MRI scan which was probably the scariest sounding thing ever (being inside an electromagnetic tube for fourty minutes as a special camera takes pictures of your mutilated body and having the MRI technician laugh maniacally at the fact you can't move or else it has to be done all over again) BUT, it turned out to be super cool and relaxing. So, if you ever have to go for an MRI like me, don't cry about it because you'll look like a fool as the surfer dude of a technician tries to hoist your body into a tunnel of electromagnicity. Just a tip.

However, even after the whole 6-hour long experience at the clinic and knowing that I will look like Terry Fox for the next 4 to 6 weeks, the worst part is this:

"...patients tend to have recurrent episodes of dislocation that lead to extensive damage of the articular surfaces of the knee"
- source

which in layman's terms means that if I do not strengthen my kneecaps with the resulting physiotherapy, this will happen again very soon after my new brace comes off (which is actually very attractive, since I can wear pants now)

However, being injured has allowed me to catch up on a lot of things (reading, playing guitar), and I learned a really good lesson about beauty. You may hate your legs because they are fat, have excessive hair/veins/scars, they don't tan well in the summer, whatever your problem with them is... at least you can walk and they are good use to you. You might have naturally loose ligaments like myself and may suffer from the occasional dislocation from time to time. But at least you can move around and still have fun, without crutches, a brace or taping your kneecaps. This is the lesson I learned this week, and hopefully I will learn some more as they next few weeks unfold.

Love always,

~~Terry Fox~~

Bev

this

2009-03-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

is where I want to be.

reliving the magic

2009-03-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Growing up, there were many people I greatly admired. They may have been characters in books or in movies, but they still mattered a lot to me when I was little.

Matilda

Matilda was my absolute favourite little girl that I looked up to a lot. She was a lot like me (both very smart, loved books and had a short little bob of brown hair)
If you don't know the story of Matilda, here it is in a sentence:

Matilda is about an incredibly intelligent little girl who realizes from a young age that she has the power of telekinesis when she inadvertently makes a mess of things at the home of her verbally abusive family, and her adventures with a wonderful elementary school teacher at a school run by an evil principal.

Liesl Van Tramp (from The Sound of Music)

When I was little, I wanted so badly to be Liesl when I grew up. She was gorgeous, a talented singer, had a boyfriend (who was a Nazi... but who cares about little things like that?!) and had her first kiss outside in a beautiful garden in the rain, after singing the most gorgeous song...

Dorothy (from The Wizard of Oz)

Dorothy was beautiful, had an amazing voice and was everything I wanted to be when I grew up. She had a cute dog, a loving family, and went on a magical adventure. Which girl doesn't want some magic in their life?

Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (1997)

Cinderella was another one of my heroines, but not the Disney animated version. I thought that Brandy (pictured below) who played Cinderella, did an awesome job and she was totally someone I aspired to be. Okay, maybe it was a little unrealistic of me... but hey, she was gorgeous, smart.... and she could sing. I think that's a common theme here!

I'd watch this part of the movie over and over and over, it is so magical!

entry question -
Who were your heroes/heroines growing up? do they affect you now, in any way?